Love

For the last several weeks I've been thinking a lot about love. Ha and you may be thinking, when is she ever not thinking about love? And that's valid ;) but I've learned so much about it lately. More than I usually do in this short of time. I've learned so much about vulnerability and the power in that. I was really really open with Nate. And it left me super vulnerable. And the last several weeks I've regretted that hard core. It makes me feel unsafe and still really vulnerable around him. And I don't feel like he understands what it means to me or what sharing those things with him meant. But today I learned something new. Perhaps it was too much, but being that vulnerable has facilitated more change in me than I thought was possible from such a short relationship. It's been painful and hard but it's allowed me to be open and honest with myself because I was so open with him. And because it left me feeling so vulnerable, wanting validation or assurance about what he thinks, and open to being hurt (and I got hurt), it's forced me to search elsewhere for that validation. And it has made me reflect upon where I get my confidence. It's made me think about who I am and who I want to be and if I like those things. It's made me seek inprovement. And I've progressed a lot faster than I otherwise would have on my journey to being confident in God and being confident in myself. And I've realized that that is what vulnerability does. It opens the pathway of progression. And if I can be okay with how vulnerable i still feel around him, being vulnerable with the next person will be easier. Because my confidence in myself will no longer be placed in how they respond to that openness or what they think of me because of it. Rather I will have confidence in Heavenly Father and myself. And then I can be vulnerable to other people because my base is solid.

Tonight Allegra and I also talked a lot about what it means to love. We talked about relationships. Particularly the speed of relationships, physical relationships, and the types of people we want to date. Something that I've decided I really want is to just get to know someone for a while before I feel like they are "pursuing" me. I want to let our relationship develop really naturally. I want to be okay with not progressing a physical relationship for a long time. And I want a physical relationship to develop out of a desire to show someone you care about them, not out of a desire to meet a need or passion you feel. And I think that will help it be slow. Because of someone really wants to use physical touch to simply express how they feel about me then they'll be okay with just holding my hand. Or giving me a hug. Or putting their arm around me. Rather than feel the need to progress so quickly on to kissing.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. There are a bunch more. About how I view dating and marriage and thinking about the future. And it makes those types of relationships seem very distant. And I think im okay with that. Right now I'm just okay with working on myself and learning better what it means to love the people around me. And as I do that I will be that much more prepared when that day finally does come that I can take that step.

Okedoke. Goodnight!