Amazing Grace

This is a repost from my journal blog. But I thought this one was worth sharing here as well. 

Dear Journal,

I just spent the best $3 iv'e ever spent in my life.

This is what I spent it on:
I am blown away by the feelings that this movie has inspired in me. It happened the first time I watched it 5 years ago and they are even more powerful than before.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last several days. A lot of thinking that has been motivating me to change.

Monday afternoon I came home from school with some of the worst feelings I have had in a long time. I was physically sick and mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had some of the most negative thoughts about myself that I have had since my mission. My mind was racing and I could not stop the horrid, negative thoughts from replaying over and over again. I couldn't stop it. So the only thing I knew how to do was read my scriptures and sleep. So at 4 in the afternoon I slept to get rid of the thoughts I couldn't control. Before I feel asleep I read the scriptures. And I was struck by this verse:

"And I set guards round about the land, that [they] might not come upon us again unawares and destroy us; and thus I did guard my people...and keep them from falling into the hands of our enemies" (Mosiah 10:2).

Immediately the thought came to my mind: what "guards" have I been placing in my life, that the enemy might not come upon me unawares and destroy my ability to serve God? I had a really strong realization that in order to not fall prey to such awful, horrid thoughts and feelings about myself I needed to set up these guards in my life.

Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. I went on a hike with an elder from my mission. In our conversations we began to talk about values. The things that are part of us. Our mission president used to use the example of a man who woke up late. What part of his routine would he forgo to get to work on time? Would he skip a shower? Ironing his shirt? Breakfast? Kissing his wife goodbye? Finally he would ask, would he skip putting on his clothes? Of course not, was always the reply. That is how you find out what you really value he told us. What will you never ever ever compromise on? As Stephen and I were having this conversation I had a powerful realization about myself. In trying to identify my values--those things that are an uncompromising part of me--I realized where I fall short again and again. I could identify the values that I believe are a part of me, things that are such a part of me that I will never compromise on them. Modesty is one. Pondering/thinking deeply. But my list was not nearly as extensive as I would have liked. I thought through my priority list. In my mind, this is what I had decided were my priorities:

My relationship with God

My relationship with my family

Church service

My relationship with others

School

Work

But as I ran my mind back through my day I saw very clearly the obvious disparity between my actions and my priorities. And I realized that priorities weren't enough. Because priorities get out of order often. I wanted these things to become values. To become things I will never, ever compromise on. I want my relationship with my Father in Heaven to something that is an essential part of me. And only then will it ensure that it remains a priority in my mind as well as a priority in my actions. I need it to become who I am. 

Tonight, as I watched this video, with so many thoughts and emotions from the day and week and semester, I was inspired to be better. I don't need to fight against slavery. But I need to fight for goodness. In the movie, William Wilberforce is told that he has the opportunity between praising God or changing the world. He replies with something to the effect of, I would change myself first. And later realizes that the best way to serve God is to make that change in himself and then go forward and change the world. And he does. And it is a part of him. 

I don't know if I will ever change the world in a large way. But I can change myself. I can shape myself to be a person who doesn't compromise on my values. Because they have become who I am. And I want that thought to motivate me. To change my actions. To get me up in the morning. To give me the energy to work and try and keep going no matter what. 

One of the most touching moments in this movie was when this man who was tortured by his memory of what he had done, who penned the words to Amazing Grace states, "Although my memory is fading I remember two things quite clearly. I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." I love it. I know it's true. And that is what makes life matter. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saves a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, once blind but now I see.