Graduation

Once upon a time I started college. In the fall of 2009 to be exact. It was exciting. And hard. And stressful. But it pushed me to grow and to change and to learn and to become. And I loved it. A year later I applied to the BYU college of nursing. The application process was so stressful. I was told by one of the advisers that if I didn't know for sure that nursing was my calling in life I shouldn't do it because I would end up being a horrible nurse. But I applied anyway, knowing very well that nursing was not my main calling in life, but also knowing that it would help me reach my potential. In July I found out that I was accepted to the program. I was dating Matt at the time and he took me out to eat to celebrate. 

The first semester we started with lab. I learned how to do assessments and Brittany and I practiced them on each other. The second semester we started our clinicals at the nursing home. They began with 8 hr shifts. The next semester progressed to 10 hrs and then finally the last several were 12 hr shifts. Throughout the program I had several incidents of near fainting. 4th semester in the program I did faint--while watching an epidural being placed.  I learned so much about confidence, about the importance of learning well. 5th semester almost killed me as it was ICU semester, clinicals up at the University of Utah hospital (getting up at 4 am to get ready, pick up each other, and drive up there by 5:45 and then leaving the hospital at 6 pm, driving in rush hour traffic, and finally getting home around 7:45. Loooong days), and studying psych nursing. That semester I also turned in my mission papers. 

I got called to the California, Long Beach Mission. I was leaving February 29th, 2013. I would complete 3.5 years of college with just one semester of nursing school left to go when I returned. During my second transfer out, all of my class graduated from nursing. I remember that day. It was a little bit hard knowing all these people i had gone through nursing school with were going to be all done. And I wasn't there. But I came home from my mission in August 2014. My mission had changed my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I jumped back into school that semester, starting out with a semester of all generals to get those out of the way. In January of 2015 I started back into nursing. I was terrified. I knew no one, I had forgotten so much in the two years since I had been in nursing classes, and I had always struggled with confidence in nursing as it was, let alone being away from it for two years and then coming back into the semester where people expect you to know the most. It was hard. It added to the extreme emotions I had being home from my mission and the feelings and stress and loneliness that had caused. I was working 2 jobs, average of 50 hrs a week plus school and homework. I got up at 5 every morning and rarely went to bed before midnight every day. I didn't ever see my roommates and I struggled finding time to do things I loved and knew I needed to do. 

 But the semester passed. I studied hard. I have learned more in the last 6 months than I ever have in such a short amount of time. I learned about confidence, about relationships, about the importance of taking care of my body, about positive thinking and happiness, and about vulnerability. And 2 days ago I finished college. I graduated from nursing school. I finished!

Life is moving forward. Its rather scary, this transition into adulthood. I got offered a job on the labor and delivery floor of Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Provo. I start there in June. This summer I plan to buy a car, become financially independent, learn the guitar, learn Spanish, and play as much as possible :) I want to spend quality time with my Heavenly Father every day, learning about Him and learning how to let Him be more a part of my life. I want to enjoy nature. I am going to take better care of my body. And I am going to try and love the changes that are happening in my life.

I'm excited. Here's to the next 3 months of craziness :)

Amazing Grace

This is a repost from my journal blog. But I thought this one was worth sharing here as well. 

Dear Journal,

I just spent the best $3 iv'e ever spent in my life.

This is what I spent it on:
I am blown away by the feelings that this movie has inspired in me. It happened the first time I watched it 5 years ago and they are even more powerful than before.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last several days. A lot of thinking that has been motivating me to change.

Monday afternoon I came home from school with some of the worst feelings I have had in a long time. I was physically sick and mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had some of the most negative thoughts about myself that I have had since my mission. My mind was racing and I could not stop the horrid, negative thoughts from replaying over and over again. I couldn't stop it. So the only thing I knew how to do was read my scriptures and sleep. So at 4 in the afternoon I slept to get rid of the thoughts I couldn't control. Before I feel asleep I read the scriptures. And I was struck by this verse:

"And I set guards round about the land, that [they] might not come upon us again unawares and destroy us; and thus I did guard my people...and keep them from falling into the hands of our enemies" (Mosiah 10:2).

Immediately the thought came to my mind: what "guards" have I been placing in my life, that the enemy might not come upon me unawares and destroy my ability to serve God? I had a really strong realization that in order to not fall prey to such awful, horrid thoughts and feelings about myself I needed to set up these guards in my life.

Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. I went on a hike with an elder from my mission. In our conversations we began to talk about values. The things that are part of us. Our mission president used to use the example of a man who woke up late. What part of his routine would he forgo to get to work on time? Would he skip a shower? Ironing his shirt? Breakfast? Kissing his wife goodbye? Finally he would ask, would he skip putting on his clothes? Of course not, was always the reply. That is how you find out what you really value he told us. What will you never ever ever compromise on? As Stephen and I were having this conversation I had a powerful realization about myself. In trying to identify my values--those things that are an uncompromising part of me--I realized where I fall short again and again. I could identify the values that I believe are a part of me, things that are such a part of me that I will never compromise on them. Modesty is one. Pondering/thinking deeply. But my list was not nearly as extensive as I would have liked. I thought through my priority list. In my mind, this is what I had decided were my priorities:

My relationship with God

My relationship with my family

Church service

My relationship with others

School

Work

But as I ran my mind back through my day I saw very clearly the obvious disparity between my actions and my priorities. And I realized that priorities weren't enough. Because priorities get out of order often. I wanted these things to become values. To become things I will never, ever compromise on. I want my relationship with my Father in Heaven to something that is an essential part of me. And only then will it ensure that it remains a priority in my mind as well as a priority in my actions. I need it to become who I am. 

Tonight, as I watched this video, with so many thoughts and emotions from the day and week and semester, I was inspired to be better. I don't need to fight against slavery. But I need to fight for goodness. In the movie, William Wilberforce is told that he has the opportunity between praising God or changing the world. He replies with something to the effect of, I would change myself first. And later realizes that the best way to serve God is to make that change in himself and then go forward and change the world. And he does. And it is a part of him. 

I don't know if I will ever change the world in a large way. But I can change myself. I can shape myself to be a person who doesn't compromise on my values. Because they have become who I am. And I want that thought to motivate me. To change my actions. To get me up in the morning. To give me the energy to work and try and keep going no matter what. 

One of the most touching moments in this movie was when this man who was tortured by his memory of what he had done, who penned the words to Amazing Grace states, "Although my memory is fading I remember two things quite clearly. I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." I love it. I know it's true. And that is what makes life matter. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saves a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, once blind but now I see.