And then I went on my mission. It started out like this-I was the obedient sister. I worked hard. I biked (almost unheard of at the beginning of my mission for a sister to really bike). I contacted everyone because I knew I was supposed to. But then I got a companion who couldn't do all those things the way I could. And I became miserable. I had defined myself and my success on my completion of tasks or perfect obedience. And suddenly that was taken away. I couldn't be perfectly obedient because we couldn't keep the schedule. It drove me crazy.
Over time, and after having several months of this, I began to understand that strict "obedience" wasn't always the objective. Rather perfect obedience meant being obedient to the whisperings of the Spirit, not all the minute rules in the white handbook (no proselyting near other houses of worship, no setting things on the car, etc.). But I also kind of lost my identity. The things I had defined myself by for my entire life suddenly became not as amazing as I thought. I began to realize that that wasn't who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be a check box person, doing things because that was what I was supposed to do and I am obedient. Rather I wanted to do them because I loved God and I loved other people. And I began to develop that near the end of my mission.
However, since being home I feel like that exact trial has encountered me again. The things I defined myself by at home before my mission (being a diligent, good student, being the "helper" at home, etc) suddenly weren't here anymore. School was way lower on my priority list, hence I've been a terrible student this semester. I haven't been home to help as much as I would have wanted. I've seen my selfishness very clearly lately, my superficialness, etc. And I have felt so bare.
So what does define me?
At the most basic level it is of course my divine identity as a child of Heavenly Parents.
But what else? what about the type of person we are? How do I define myself outside of being a daughter of God? What can give me confidence?
I was talking to Allegra tonight about this and she said something like this: When you think of God you don't think, God is perfect at praying, or going to the temple, or reading His scriptures. Rather you think, God is eternally merciful, He is perfectly just, He loves His children with a perfect love. And those are the things we can take confidence in. When we begin to exemplify those character traits, when I can be known as the person who accepts everyone, no matter their life style. Or the person who makes everyone feel comfortable around her. Or the person who is Christlike. Those are things that will define me, will give me confidence to stand in the presence of God someday.
President Uchtdorf said it perfectly:
"Once you understand the true nature of God and His commandments, you will also better understand yourselves and the divine purpose of your existence. With this, your motivation for following the commandments changes, and it becomes your heart’s desire to live the gospel joyfully.
For example, those who see attendance at Church meetings as a personal way to increase their love of God, find peace, uplift others, seek the Spirit, and renew their commitment to follow Jesus Christ will find a far richer experience than those who simply put in their time sitting in a pew. Sisters, it is very important that we attend our Sunday meetings, but I’m fairly certain our Heavenly Father is even more concerned about our faith and repentance than about attendance statistics."
President Deiter F. Uchtdorf, Living the Gospel Joyfully, October 2014
I love that. I want to be motivated by a desire to strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven, or to keep the commandments because it will help me be more like Him, rather than just "putting in my time" reading, or praying, or serving, or attending church.
Isn't the Gospel incredible? Who knew that the months after coming home from my mission would be so full of growth?
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