Accountability

I'm really serious about trying to change the lens I see the world with. Here are the responses to my goals for the rest of this week:

Saturday: I am really grateful for Lara. She has been so willing to let me be her friend. And I love her for it. I'm also grateful for Paris and how much she helped out at work. And I'm grateful for fruit. :)
Something I did well was to notice and be persistent in getting a resident's catheter replaced as it was leaking. It had caused a LOT of skin breakdown and I'm so glad the nurse put a new one in so she could stay dry. And I learned a lot watching that.

Sunday: I'm really grateful for Allegra. Our relationship has been a little bit rocky the last several months. But I'm grateful she was willing to be honest with me and I could be honest with her and we could figure out things we could improve and do better. And I'm grateful she helps me figure out my emotions and feelings.
Something I did well today was being honest with Allegra. Also, today at dinner I was being really stubborn and extreme. But I recognized it and called myself out on it and tried to change it and be humble. And it was hard. But it felt good.

I really love my life. I am so blessed. I get to study nursing at an incredible school. I get to learn and play and sing music. I have a healthy body. I can enjoy nature. I get to live with girls who are constantly trying to improve and become better. I have an awesome ward. I have a job that teaches me a lot and I can earn money and pay for rent and school. I have an awesome family who I love almost more than anything (I got to see Quince today and it was so so good :) and who love me despite my quirkiness and extreme moods and emotions and frustrations. I love them. And most importantly I have a Savior. Who gave His life for me that I might be able to change and to learn and grow and become better. How grateful I am for Him. I love Him. He is my light and my salvation and it brings me so much peace to know that He will always be my Savior. I am incredibly grateful for my Heavenly Father who loves me. Weaknesses and all. And who understands me and wants me to be happy even when I'm doing nothing to deserve it.

Here is to the next few months, as crazy as they will be, of change. Finding out who I am, who I want to be, and how to get there.

Goodnight!

Kindness

When I was in high school I went to DC with my choir. It was a fun trip but, like usual, I was super shy and nervous the whole time. I remember one specific experience before we even got there though, we were on the plane and I was talking to the two people sitting next to me and when I found out we had an hour bus ride after we landed I made the sarcastic comment, "oh joy!" One of the women sitting next to me (who happened to be in my home ward) have a surprised laugh and made a comment along the lines of, I'm glad Rebekah's human too :)

When I was a junior in college my second year in the nursing program i was carpooling to salt lake with a group of nursing students and some how people started talking about getting frustrated. And one of the guys said, Rebekah have you ever gotten mad before? And the girl next to him said, how funny would it be to see Rebekah just EXPLODE at someone! I assured them that I did, in fact, get upset and frustrated but they didn't really believe me.

Tonight, on my way back from Idaho, I was talking to my favorite member family from my mission. They were telling me about an elder on their ward right now and asked if I knew him. I said, I don't have very kind feelings towards that elder. And they laughed and said, what?? Sister Andelin?? Ha that validates everything!!

What do these experiences have in common? They all are evidence that I am not very good at showing my true character hah. But in all seriousness, tonight especially has made me really ponder on what type of person I am. Obviously to a lot of people around me I come across as this angel child who always loves everyone. As much as I wish I was that, I actually often have very unkind thoughts about lots of people. And I think rude comments in my head. And I gossip. And I'm actually not that nice. But I realized today, I want to be that kind. I want to be as nice as everyone seems to think I am. I want to love others and serve them and want to do it because I genuinely care about them and about my Father in Heaven, not because I'm supposed to feel that way or do those things. I want to become that type of person, not just do those kind of things.

I was listening to President Uchtdorf's talk today on my drive and I was struck with this principle:

"Many of us have a difficult time seeing ourselves as we truly are, and even successful people overestimate their own contribution and underestimate the contributions that others make.

It might not be so significant to overestimate how well we drive a car or how far we can drive a golf ball. But when we start believing that our contributions at home, at work, and at church are greater than they actually are, we blind ourselves to blessings and opportunities to improve ourselves in significant and profound ways."
“Lord, Is It I?”
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/lord-is-it-i?lang=eng

I want to stop overestimating my goodness or my contribution to the world. Instead I want to understand myself, weaknesses and strengths, and then begin to develop the qualities I want to have.

Thoughts on how to accomplish this?

Loneliness

Lately I have felt...miserable. I don't know if I've ever felt this lonely in my entire life. I think that is probably the number one reason coming home from a mission has been so hard. All of the close relationships I expected coming home aren't here. All of the best friends I had before my mission are either on missions or married or moved far away. And the one single friend I have from before has a schedule completely opposite from mine so unless we meet before 8 in the morning or after 11 at night we can't see each other. Lame, I know.

Today I realized how throughout my whole life, so many of the close friends I had would meet and then become better friends than either were with me. Almost every best friend I've ever had that has happened to. (Side note-also, every guy I've ever dated  (excluding this last one since it's only been a month) is now happily married. So obviously being friends with or dating me sets you up for better relationships in the future ha). This happened before high school, with cousins all throughout my life, through high school, and even in college. And then it happened over and over again on my mission. I would be really really good friends with a companion or a missionary I worked closely with, and then they would be companions with another of my really good friends and they would become way closer than I was with either of them. Coming home I felt that I had a safe relationship to come home to. But when I got home I realized the same thing had happened again. Two sisters I knew on my mission were best friends. And again, I felt pushed out to the outer circle of friendships. As that was the only relationship I had to count on coming home it was a really really hard realization.

Then lots of emotional things happened with my family. Lots of emotional stress. I got a job that is extremely stressful and time consuming. And I'm about to jump into an extremely difficult semester of school. My last one.

All of these factors have been adding up. And I have been miserable. I never knew being home from my mission would be so difficult. But I know that there are lessons I can learn through these things and that I will progress and hopefully become a better person.

But it's made me reflect a lot on loneliness. I thought a lot about my parents. Do they feel lonely a lot? They have been so preoccupied with being parents to their 13 children for the past 35 years that they haven't had much time for outside relationships excepting extended family. And when those go sour I'm sure it's extremely painful.
I've thought about my siblings. Do they have "best friends" that they can rely completely on? Are they someone else's number one person? Is that even a thing (besides marriage)? Essentially, is loneliness a product of our situation or is it a matter of perspective? Do I do something that inhibits me from becoming close to people or do I just perceive things the wrong way until my attitude becomes a self fulfilling prophecy? I'm not sure.

Here are some things I found really interesting. This is from an article on lds.org:

"It is helpful to consider the benefits that can be reaped from trials like loneliness. For example, [we] can develop a special empathy that allows [us] to help others who, feeling lonely, are in need of comfort and companionship. Heavenly Father needs servants trained through experience to minister to the needs of his children.

Sometimes we need to learn and do certain things to alleviate our loneliness. In such cases, it is worthwhile to seek help in improving one’s character and broadening one’s interests through study, self-discipline, increased social interaction, and a general willingness to try new things and meet new people.

Elder Richard G. Scott, now of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, commented on the role of personal initiative in overcoming feelings of loneliness and of being excluded:

“The social and sport activities [of my youth] left me feeling alone and unwanted. It was not until a lot later in life that I realized it was largely my fault.

“I have since learned that one cannot demand love and respect or require that the bonds of friendship and appreciation be extended as an unearned right. These blessings must be earned. They come from personal merit. Sincere concern for others, selfless service, and worthy example qualify one for such respect. All my rationalization that others had formed select groups and knowingly ruled out my participation was largely a figment of my imagination. Had I practiced correct principles, I need not have felt alone” (“To the Lonely and Misunderstood,” Brigham Young University 1981–82 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo, Utah: University Publications, p. 199).

President Benson said: “Reach out to others. Rather than turning inward, forget self and really serve others in your Church callings, in personal deeds of compassionate service, in unknown, unheralded personal acts of kindness. “If you really want to receive joy and happiness, then serve others with all your heart. Lift their burden, and your own burden will be lighter. Truly in the words of Jesus of Nazareth: ‘He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake, shall find it.’ (Matt. 10:39.)” (Ensign,Nov. 1988, p. 97).

“A mere hundred years from now today’s seeming deprivations and tribulations will not matter unless we let them matter too much now!” said Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “Some deprivations are but delayed blessings, which, if endured well, constitute the readying of reservoirs into which a generous God will pour ‘all that he hath.’ Indeed, it will be the Malachi measure: ‘There shall not be room enough to receive it.’ (Mal. 3:10.)” (We Will Prove Them Herewith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1982, pp. 28–29).

Loneliness can be a pivotal experience in our lives. It can be the leaven that allows us to rise to the next step in our spiritual advancement, or it can be a chain that restrains our progress. In the very act of making up our minds to confront loneliness, half the battle is won. For if we seek the Lord through service, prayer, and righteousness, we will find that we are not alone (see Rev. 3:20)."

I loved how matter of fact this article was. It was written in the early 1990's. They were a little less gentle back then and a little more too the point :) I think, especially from what Elder Richards said, loneliness is often a matter of perspective. No matter what relationships we have, even marriage, no one will ever understand us perfectly. No one will ever know us perfectly or treat us perfectly or emphasize exactly the way we want or tell us everything we need to hear. Except our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. So perhaps the key to not being lonely now is to learn how to find fulfillment in my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Learn how to base my self worth on the way He feels about me, not anyone else. And learn how to have a positive attitude and look for ways to help others feel loved and wanted instead of letting myself sink down into the negative cycle of feeling that there must be something wrong with me because I'm not anyone's number one person. 

I think I know what I need to work on. 

Goodnight! 

Lessons

My whole life I have defined myself by things that I can do. I have defined myself by having 100% scripture reading. I have defined myself by never missing church. I have defined myself by being perfectly obedient, no ifs, ands, or buts. Just clear, hard and fast rules. I was known for being consistent, diligent, self-controlled.

And then I went on my mission. It started out like this-I was the obedient sister. I worked hard. I biked (almost unheard of at the beginning of my mission for a sister to really bike). I contacted everyone because I knew I was supposed to. But then I got a companion who couldn't do all those things the way I could. And I became miserable. I had defined myself and my success on my completion of tasks or perfect obedience. And suddenly that was taken away. I couldn't be perfectly obedient because we couldn't keep the schedule. It drove me crazy. 

Over time, and after having several months of this, I began to understand that strict "obedience" wasn't always the objective. Rather perfect obedience meant being obedient to the whisperings of the Spirit, not all the minute rules in the white handbook (no proselyting near other houses of worship, no setting things on the car, etc.). But I also kind of lost my identity. The things I had defined myself by for my entire life suddenly became not as amazing as I thought. I began to realize that that wasn't who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be a check box person, doing things because that was what I was supposed to do and I am obedient. Rather I wanted to do them because I loved God and I loved other people. And I began to develop that near the end of my mission. 

However, since being home I feel like that exact trial has encountered me again. The things I defined myself by at home before my mission (being a diligent, good student, being the "helper" at home, etc) suddenly weren't here anymore. School was way lower on my priority list, hence I've been a terrible student this semester. I haven't been home to help as much as I would have wanted. I've seen my selfishness very clearly lately, my superficialness, etc. And I have felt so bare. 

So what does define me? 

At the most basic level it is of course my divine identity as a child of Heavenly Parents. 

But what else? what about the type of person we are? How do I define myself outside of being a daughter of God? What can give me confidence? 

I was talking to Allegra tonight about this and she said something like this: When you think of God you don't think, God is perfect at praying, or going to the temple, or reading His scriptures. Rather you think, God is eternally merciful, He is perfectly just, He loves His children with a perfect love. And those  are the things we can take confidence in. When we begin to exemplify those character traits, when I can be known as the person who accepts everyone, no matter their life style. Or the person who makes everyone feel comfortable around her. Or the person who is Christlike. Those are things that will define me, will give me confidence to stand in the presence of God someday. 

President Uchtdorf said it perfectly:

"Once you understand the true nature of God and His commandments, you will also better understand yourselves and the divine purpose of your existence. With this, your motivation for following the commandments changes, and it becomes your heart’s desire to live the gospel joyfully.

For example, those who see attendance at Church meetings as a personal way to increase their love of God, find peace, uplift others, seek the Spirit, and renew their commitment to follow Jesus Christ will find a far richer experience than those who simply put in their time sitting in a pew. Sisters, it is very important that we attend our Sunday meetings, but I’m fairly certain our Heavenly Father is even more concerned about our faith and repentance than about attendance statistics."

President Deiter F. Uchtdorf, Living the Gospel Joyfully, October 2014

I love that. I want to be motivated by a desire to strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven, or to keep the commandments because it will help me be more like Him, rather than just "putting in my time" reading, or praying, or serving, or attending church. 

Isn't the Gospel incredible? Who knew that the months after coming home from my mission would be so full of growth? 

Hello!

Dear blogging world,

It's been a while. About 21 months to be exact :) I've been home from my mission for just over 3 months. And I think I'm finally ready to blog again. I've missed it. A lot. It is a really good way to express what I'm feeling and record special events and happenings.

When I started blogging my parents were shocked at how open I was on my blog. But I was all for it. I had no qualms about saying exactly how I felt and why I felt it and what made me feel that way. But I think being on a mission made more cautious about how open I am about my feelings. I've become more careful about what I share and who I share it with.

SO because my last blog was very emotional and dramatic (and, lets be real, a little over the top sometimes haha) I'm starting this one. So if you want to read about me before my mission, click here, (keeping in mind that I've learned a lot since then ;).

Here is a little update on my life:
I'm still at BYU. I have one semester left of the nursing program which I'll start in January. So if everything goes as planned I will graduate in April 2015. Crazy.

When I got home from my mission I took a CNA class and am now working as a certified nurses assistant at a nursing home in south Provo. I take my certification test for that next Tuesday. Finally!

I'm living in Provo with Allegra and Amanda, two girls from my mission. It's awesome.

My dating life is not exciting at the moment--I'll update you when it gets that way.

I'm still obsessed with dance, good literature, and my family. I love music. But I'm still more often in the mood for Christian Rock than regular music these days :) I am learning the guitar. I'm trying to ride horses more often. And school is not nearly as high on my priority list as it was before my mission.

*Side note--I think everything in my life happens backwards in relation to everyone else... Freshman year is normally not the best year for people. However, it was probably my most studious year. I didn't miss class once and I studied all the time. People normally become better students after their missions, Not me! I'm definitely a less responsible student. Because I realized I didn't want that to be my highest priority...

I miss my mission a lot. I miss the constant opportunities to share my testimony of my Savior and of the happiness that comes from His plan for us. I miss the hours of study. I miss the complete focus on doing Heavenly Father's work. I'm going through a process now of trying to apply those things into my life now. Being home is DEFINITELY harder than my mission ever was. But as I've thought about it, it makes sense. My mission was teaching me tools to use the rest of my life. And that's why my mission was only 18 months. It was just a preparatory phase for the real challenges of life.
I'm trying to learn to love this phase of my life. I'm learning to love the feeling of always being stretched and changed and taught, even when it's painful. This is where so much of my real growth has happened. And I'm excited to see how I continue to learn and change. So I'll blog about it :)

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Beks