Lately

Merry Christmas!

This Christmas has been an interesting one for me. Very different than any Christmas I've had before.

Perhaps it's because I recently returned from my mission so my perspective is different. Perhaps it is because the majority of my siblings were not here for Christmas. Perhaps it is because I am in a different phase of life. But whatever the reason, it has made me ponder a lot.

One of the things I've thought a lot about is gifts. I did a pretty poor job getting gifts this year. I hate being that person who sends gifts late or who just has to give coupons or pictures of a gift you will get. My family has never really been in to gift giving much. I don't think gifts have every really been ways we express love to each other. So it's always been a little funny to give each other gifts, half of them not arrived yet, some of them not even purchased. (*Note: this excludes Jen, she's the best gift giver of the fam). But with friends it's a little different. Especially with my roommates. They are really good gift givers. So in my stress to return the thought and love they'd show me with their gifts I thought a lot about the whole tradition of gift giving. Why do we even give gifts to each other? The first response in my head was to remember the gifts given to Christ from the wise men. However, my Dad answered that question differently. He said it was to remember the Gift our Father in Heaven gave us in sending us His Son, Jesus Christ. Wow. What an incredible thing to try to emulate. That was a perfect gift given in pure, perfect love. I decided I want my gifts to be more like that from here on out. I may not be able to get the most expensive or fancy gift, but I want to give meaningful gifts. And perhaps that means gifts of time and service more than gifts of things. And some day, when I have a family of my own, I want to start a tradition of skipping the physical gifts of Christmas to each other, and instead show the gift of love through service. To each other within the family as well as to people we choose to serve that year, whether it be humanitarian trips, service at shelters, or something of the kind. #sharethegift


Something else I've been pondering on a lot recently is time. We have such a short amount of it. This Christmas I've wasted a lot of time. It's the first time in years that I haven't had to work during Christmas vacation. Or had homework due (in high school) the week I get back. So I've done a lot of staying up late and sleeping in and watching way too many movies. And it isn't fun. It feels really useless and ineffective and like I'm wasting precious time. This week I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to schedule my time and exercise and practice and read good books and put Heavenly Father first in my day through scripture reading and prayer. I think because I've seen so many movies with intense, dramatic plots and crazy love stories and dangerous situations I've decided that life really is so so simple. It's all about who we become. And we become by doing. And we have our entire lives to do. We can develop talents and personality traits and characteristics. And that is what it's all about. Trials give us opportunities to test those qualities. Easy times give us the opportunity to show faith and dedication and to build them. And it all comes down to how we choose to react and how we choose to act. I want to act and not be acted upon. I want to react in positive, patient, kind ways. I want to choose to become instead of letting my circumstances choose for me. And it all happens in small, simple steps.


Anyways, to move past my thoughts, here are some updates on my life:
School: I found out my capstone placement for next semester! Capstone is where you get to specialize on a specific unit by working all semester there with a preceptor nurse. You work with your preceptor whenever he/she works. You have a required number of hours that typically turns out to be about 3 12 hr shifts/week. You get to put your top 3 preferences. And I got my first choice. Labor and Delivery at UVRMC!! Wahoo!! I'm so so excited :) I get to help mothers bring their beautiful babies into the world all semester long. It's the best thing ever. But it's going to be a huge time commitment. Which brings me to my next update...

Work: I work at a nursing home in south Provo. And lets just say that I don't love my job. I don't mind what I do (I mean, I think very few people love cleaning up bodily wastes but I actually don't mind it) but I really dislike how it is run. We're always short staffed, we're always running crazy, I never know my schedule until the first week of the month and it changes randomly and it's really hard to plan around and... I could go on. But the point is, currently I'm looking for another job. It's rather difficult because I don't know my school schedule for another 2 weeks so it's hard to apply to jobs when I don't know if I'll actually be able to work their hours. But it's going to work out.

Dating: Boys are the worst. I mean, sometimes I love them. But lately they've just caused a lot of drama and frustration in my life. I've realized so much about myself, however, that I'd say these experiences have been worth it. I've learned that I have a long way to go before I could ever be ready for marriage. I need to become sure of and confident in who I am. I need to know that I'm okay, that I can be a valuable part of any relationship, and that I'm confident that I am becoming who God wants me to be. I need to be secure and confident on my own before I can be ready for a relationship. I think that in the past month or so I've begun to reach a healthy spot in that aspect. I have a long way to go, but it makes the dearth in dating okay because I have a future goal or objective I'm working towards.

Social life: This area of my life has been a roller coaster. Having a lot to do with the above section, I'm still learning to be confident and sure of myself. I'm learning who I am and becoming okay with the things I"m discovering about myself. Or setting goals to change them.

And that, folks, is my life. Pretty great if you ask me. Take out financial stress and dating stress and social stress and I think my life would be perfect. And if those are the only things I have to worry about that I'm doing just fine :) I'm so grateful for this phase of my life and the time I have to learn and grow and become. And I'm excited to see what 2015 has in store.

Kindness

When I was in high school I went to DC with my choir. It was a fun trip but, like usual, I was super shy and nervous the whole time. I remember one specific experience before we even got there though, we were on the plane and I was talking to the two people sitting next to me and when I found out we had an hour bus ride after we landed I made the sarcastic comment, "oh joy!" One of the women sitting next to me (who happened to be in my home ward) have a surprised laugh and made a comment along the lines of, I'm glad Rebekah's human too :)

When I was a junior in college my second year in the nursing program i was carpooling to salt lake with a group of nursing students and some how people started talking about getting frustrated. And one of the guys said, Rebekah have you ever gotten mad before? And the girl next to him said, how funny would it be to see Rebekah just EXPLODE at someone! I assured them that I did, in fact, get upset and frustrated but they didn't really believe me.

Tonight, on my way back from Idaho, I was talking to my favorite member family from my mission. They were telling me about an elder on their ward right now and asked if I knew him. I said, I don't have very kind feelings towards that elder. And they laughed and said, what?? Sister Andelin?? Ha that validates everything!!

What do these experiences have in common? They all are evidence that I am not very good at showing my true character hah. But in all seriousness, tonight especially has made me really ponder on what type of person I am. Obviously to a lot of people around me I come across as this angel child who always loves everyone. As much as I wish I was that, I actually often have very unkind thoughts about lots of people. And I think rude comments in my head. And I gossip. And I'm actually not that nice. But I realized today, I want to be that kind. I want to be as nice as everyone seems to think I am. I want to love others and serve them and want to do it because I genuinely care about them and about my Father in Heaven, not because I'm supposed to feel that way or do those things. I want to become that type of person, not just do those kind of things.

I was listening to President Uchtdorf's talk today on my drive and I was struck with this principle:

"Many of us have a difficult time seeing ourselves as we truly are, and even successful people overestimate their own contribution and underestimate the contributions that others make.

It might not be so significant to overestimate how well we drive a car or how far we can drive a golf ball. But when we start believing that our contributions at home, at work, and at church are greater than they actually are, we blind ourselves to blessings and opportunities to improve ourselves in significant and profound ways."
“Lord, Is It I?”
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/lord-is-it-i?lang=eng

I want to stop overestimating my goodness or my contribution to the world. Instead I want to understand myself, weaknesses and strengths, and then begin to develop the qualities I want to have.

Thoughts on how to accomplish this?

Loneliness

Lately I have felt...miserable. I don't know if I've ever felt this lonely in my entire life. I think that is probably the number one reason coming home from a mission has been so hard. All of the close relationships I expected coming home aren't here. All of the best friends I had before my mission are either on missions or married or moved far away. And the one single friend I have from before has a schedule completely opposite from mine so unless we meet before 8 in the morning or after 11 at night we can't see each other. Lame, I know.

Today I realized how throughout my whole life, so many of the close friends I had would meet and then become better friends than either were with me. Almost every best friend I've ever had that has happened to. (Side note-also, every guy I've ever dated  (excluding this last one since it's only been a month) is now happily married. So obviously being friends with or dating me sets you up for better relationships in the future ha). This happened before high school, with cousins all throughout my life, through high school, and even in college. And then it happened over and over again on my mission. I would be really really good friends with a companion or a missionary I worked closely with, and then they would be companions with another of my really good friends and they would become way closer than I was with either of them. Coming home I felt that I had a safe relationship to come home to. But when I got home I realized the same thing had happened again. Two sisters I knew on my mission were best friends. And again, I felt pushed out to the outer circle of friendships. As that was the only relationship I had to count on coming home it was a really really hard realization.

Then lots of emotional things happened with my family. Lots of emotional stress. I got a job that is extremely stressful and time consuming. And I'm about to jump into an extremely difficult semester of school. My last one.

All of these factors have been adding up. And I have been miserable. I never knew being home from my mission would be so difficult. But I know that there are lessons I can learn through these things and that I will progress and hopefully become a better person.

But it's made me reflect a lot on loneliness. I thought a lot about my parents. Do they feel lonely a lot? They have been so preoccupied with being parents to their 13 children for the past 35 years that they haven't had much time for outside relationships excepting extended family. And when those go sour I'm sure it's extremely painful.
I've thought about my siblings. Do they have "best friends" that they can rely completely on? Are they someone else's number one person? Is that even a thing (besides marriage)? Essentially, is loneliness a product of our situation or is it a matter of perspective? Do I do something that inhibits me from becoming close to people or do I just perceive things the wrong way until my attitude becomes a self fulfilling prophecy? I'm not sure.

Here are some things I found really interesting. This is from an article on lds.org:

"It is helpful to consider the benefits that can be reaped from trials like loneliness. For example, [we] can develop a special empathy that allows [us] to help others who, feeling lonely, are in need of comfort and companionship. Heavenly Father needs servants trained through experience to minister to the needs of his children.

Sometimes we need to learn and do certain things to alleviate our loneliness. In such cases, it is worthwhile to seek help in improving one’s character and broadening one’s interests through study, self-discipline, increased social interaction, and a general willingness to try new things and meet new people.

Elder Richard G. Scott, now of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, commented on the role of personal initiative in overcoming feelings of loneliness and of being excluded:

“The social and sport activities [of my youth] left me feeling alone and unwanted. It was not until a lot later in life that I realized it was largely my fault.

“I have since learned that one cannot demand love and respect or require that the bonds of friendship and appreciation be extended as an unearned right. These blessings must be earned. They come from personal merit. Sincere concern for others, selfless service, and worthy example qualify one for such respect. All my rationalization that others had formed select groups and knowingly ruled out my participation was largely a figment of my imagination. Had I practiced correct principles, I need not have felt alone” (“To the Lonely and Misunderstood,” Brigham Young University 1981–82 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo, Utah: University Publications, p. 199).

President Benson said: “Reach out to others. Rather than turning inward, forget self and really serve others in your Church callings, in personal deeds of compassionate service, in unknown, unheralded personal acts of kindness. “If you really want to receive joy and happiness, then serve others with all your heart. Lift their burden, and your own burden will be lighter. Truly in the words of Jesus of Nazareth: ‘He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake, shall find it.’ (Matt. 10:39.)” (Ensign,Nov. 1988, p. 97).

“A mere hundred years from now today’s seeming deprivations and tribulations will not matter unless we let them matter too much now!” said Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “Some deprivations are but delayed blessings, which, if endured well, constitute the readying of reservoirs into which a generous God will pour ‘all that he hath.’ Indeed, it will be the Malachi measure: ‘There shall not be room enough to receive it.’ (Mal. 3:10.)” (We Will Prove Them Herewith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1982, pp. 28–29).

Loneliness can be a pivotal experience in our lives. It can be the leaven that allows us to rise to the next step in our spiritual advancement, or it can be a chain that restrains our progress. In the very act of making up our minds to confront loneliness, half the battle is won. For if we seek the Lord through service, prayer, and righteousness, we will find that we are not alone (see Rev. 3:20)."

I loved how matter of fact this article was. It was written in the early 1990's. They were a little less gentle back then and a little more too the point :) I think, especially from what Elder Richards said, loneliness is often a matter of perspective. No matter what relationships we have, even marriage, no one will ever understand us perfectly. No one will ever know us perfectly or treat us perfectly or emphasize exactly the way we want or tell us everything we need to hear. Except our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. So perhaps the key to not being lonely now is to learn how to find fulfillment in my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Learn how to base my self worth on the way He feels about me, not anyone else. And learn how to have a positive attitude and look for ways to help others feel loved and wanted instead of letting myself sink down into the negative cycle of feeling that there must be something wrong with me because I'm not anyone's number one person. 

I think I know what I need to work on. 

Goodnight! 

Lessons

My whole life I have defined myself by things that I can do. I have defined myself by having 100% scripture reading. I have defined myself by never missing church. I have defined myself by being perfectly obedient, no ifs, ands, or buts. Just clear, hard and fast rules. I was known for being consistent, diligent, self-controlled.

And then I went on my mission. It started out like this-I was the obedient sister. I worked hard. I biked (almost unheard of at the beginning of my mission for a sister to really bike). I contacted everyone because I knew I was supposed to. But then I got a companion who couldn't do all those things the way I could. And I became miserable. I had defined myself and my success on my completion of tasks or perfect obedience. And suddenly that was taken away. I couldn't be perfectly obedient because we couldn't keep the schedule. It drove me crazy. 

Over time, and after having several months of this, I began to understand that strict "obedience" wasn't always the objective. Rather perfect obedience meant being obedient to the whisperings of the Spirit, not all the minute rules in the white handbook (no proselyting near other houses of worship, no setting things on the car, etc.). But I also kind of lost my identity. The things I had defined myself by for my entire life suddenly became not as amazing as I thought. I began to realize that that wasn't who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be a check box person, doing things because that was what I was supposed to do and I am obedient. Rather I wanted to do them because I loved God and I loved other people. And I began to develop that near the end of my mission. 

However, since being home I feel like that exact trial has encountered me again. The things I defined myself by at home before my mission (being a diligent, good student, being the "helper" at home, etc) suddenly weren't here anymore. School was way lower on my priority list, hence I've been a terrible student this semester. I haven't been home to help as much as I would have wanted. I've seen my selfishness very clearly lately, my superficialness, etc. And I have felt so bare. 

So what does define me? 

At the most basic level it is of course my divine identity as a child of Heavenly Parents. 

But what else? what about the type of person we are? How do I define myself outside of being a daughter of God? What can give me confidence? 

I was talking to Allegra tonight about this and she said something like this: When you think of God you don't think, God is perfect at praying, or going to the temple, or reading His scriptures. Rather you think, God is eternally merciful, He is perfectly just, He loves His children with a perfect love. And those  are the things we can take confidence in. When we begin to exemplify those character traits, when I can be known as the person who accepts everyone, no matter their life style. Or the person who makes everyone feel comfortable around her. Or the person who is Christlike. Those are things that will define me, will give me confidence to stand in the presence of God someday. 

President Uchtdorf said it perfectly:

"Once you understand the true nature of God and His commandments, you will also better understand yourselves and the divine purpose of your existence. With this, your motivation for following the commandments changes, and it becomes your heart’s desire to live the gospel joyfully.

For example, those who see attendance at Church meetings as a personal way to increase their love of God, find peace, uplift others, seek the Spirit, and renew their commitment to follow Jesus Christ will find a far richer experience than those who simply put in their time sitting in a pew. Sisters, it is very important that we attend our Sunday meetings, but I’m fairly certain our Heavenly Father is even more concerned about our faith and repentance than about attendance statistics."

President Deiter F. Uchtdorf, Living the Gospel Joyfully, October 2014

I love that. I want to be motivated by a desire to strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven, or to keep the commandments because it will help me be more like Him, rather than just "putting in my time" reading, or praying, or serving, or attending church. 

Isn't the Gospel incredible? Who knew that the months after coming home from my mission would be so full of growth?