Loneliness

Lately I have felt...miserable. I don't know if I've ever felt this lonely in my entire life. I think that is probably the number one reason coming home from a mission has been so hard. All of the close relationships I expected coming home aren't here. All of the best friends I had before my mission are either on missions or married or moved far away. And the one single friend I have from before has a schedule completely opposite from mine so unless we meet before 8 in the morning or after 11 at night we can't see each other. Lame, I know.

Today I realized how throughout my whole life, so many of the close friends I had would meet and then become better friends than either were with me. Almost every best friend I've ever had that has happened to. (Side note-also, every guy I've ever dated  (excluding this last one since it's only been a month) is now happily married. So obviously being friends with or dating me sets you up for better relationships in the future ha). This happened before high school, with cousins all throughout my life, through high school, and even in college. And then it happened over and over again on my mission. I would be really really good friends with a companion or a missionary I worked closely with, and then they would be companions with another of my really good friends and they would become way closer than I was with either of them. Coming home I felt that I had a safe relationship to come home to. But when I got home I realized the same thing had happened again. Two sisters I knew on my mission were best friends. And again, I felt pushed out to the outer circle of friendships. As that was the only relationship I had to count on coming home it was a really really hard realization.

Then lots of emotional things happened with my family. Lots of emotional stress. I got a job that is extremely stressful and time consuming. And I'm about to jump into an extremely difficult semester of school. My last one.

All of these factors have been adding up. And I have been miserable. I never knew being home from my mission would be so difficult. But I know that there are lessons I can learn through these things and that I will progress and hopefully become a better person.

But it's made me reflect a lot on loneliness. I thought a lot about my parents. Do they feel lonely a lot? They have been so preoccupied with being parents to their 13 children for the past 35 years that they haven't had much time for outside relationships excepting extended family. And when those go sour I'm sure it's extremely painful.
I've thought about my siblings. Do they have "best friends" that they can rely completely on? Are they someone else's number one person? Is that even a thing (besides marriage)? Essentially, is loneliness a product of our situation or is it a matter of perspective? Do I do something that inhibits me from becoming close to people or do I just perceive things the wrong way until my attitude becomes a self fulfilling prophecy? I'm not sure.

Here are some things I found really interesting. This is from an article on lds.org:

"It is helpful to consider the benefits that can be reaped from trials like loneliness. For example, [we] can develop a special empathy that allows [us] to help others who, feeling lonely, are in need of comfort and companionship. Heavenly Father needs servants trained through experience to minister to the needs of his children.

Sometimes we need to learn and do certain things to alleviate our loneliness. In such cases, it is worthwhile to seek help in improving one’s character and broadening one’s interests through study, self-discipline, increased social interaction, and a general willingness to try new things and meet new people.

Elder Richard G. Scott, now of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, commented on the role of personal initiative in overcoming feelings of loneliness and of being excluded:

“The social and sport activities [of my youth] left me feeling alone and unwanted. It was not until a lot later in life that I realized it was largely my fault.

“I have since learned that one cannot demand love and respect or require that the bonds of friendship and appreciation be extended as an unearned right. These blessings must be earned. They come from personal merit. Sincere concern for others, selfless service, and worthy example qualify one for such respect. All my rationalization that others had formed select groups and knowingly ruled out my participation was largely a figment of my imagination. Had I practiced correct principles, I need not have felt alone” (“To the Lonely and Misunderstood,” Brigham Young University 1981–82 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo, Utah: University Publications, p. 199).

President Benson said: “Reach out to others. Rather than turning inward, forget self and really serve others in your Church callings, in personal deeds of compassionate service, in unknown, unheralded personal acts of kindness. “If you really want to receive joy and happiness, then serve others with all your heart. Lift their burden, and your own burden will be lighter. Truly in the words of Jesus of Nazareth: ‘He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake, shall find it.’ (Matt. 10:39.)” (Ensign,Nov. 1988, p. 97).

“A mere hundred years from now today’s seeming deprivations and tribulations will not matter unless we let them matter too much now!” said Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “Some deprivations are but delayed blessings, which, if endured well, constitute the readying of reservoirs into which a generous God will pour ‘all that he hath.’ Indeed, it will be the Malachi measure: ‘There shall not be room enough to receive it.’ (Mal. 3:10.)” (We Will Prove Them Herewith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1982, pp. 28–29).

Loneliness can be a pivotal experience in our lives. It can be the leaven that allows us to rise to the next step in our spiritual advancement, or it can be a chain that restrains our progress. In the very act of making up our minds to confront loneliness, half the battle is won. For if we seek the Lord through service, prayer, and righteousness, we will find that we are not alone (see Rev. 3:20)."

I loved how matter of fact this article was. It was written in the early 1990's. They were a little less gentle back then and a little more too the point :) I think, especially from what Elder Richards said, loneliness is often a matter of perspective. No matter what relationships we have, even marriage, no one will ever understand us perfectly. No one will ever know us perfectly or treat us perfectly or emphasize exactly the way we want or tell us everything we need to hear. Except our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. So perhaps the key to not being lonely now is to learn how to find fulfillment in my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Learn how to base my self worth on the way He feels about me, not anyone else. And learn how to have a positive attitude and look for ways to help others feel loved and wanted instead of letting myself sink down into the negative cycle of feeling that there must be something wrong with me because I'm not anyone's number one person. 

I think I know what I need to work on. 

Goodnight!