It's been a while. But I'm bored at work with no patient so I decided to write an email to myself that I can eventually post on my blog.
Today I discovered something that I haven't for a long while. I discovered a blog that I'm absolutely obsessed with. It's called A Blog About Love (www.ablogaboutlove.com). And it's incredible.
I feel like I've learned a million things since I've been home from my mission-I've changed and grown and become better and more confident in so many ways-and I found a writer who is articulating and expanding upon the things that I've done. And it's made me so excited.
Essentially the truth behind all these new ideas and principles and life style changes is this:
Because of God and truth that exists in the universe, we can CHOOSE to create our own reality.
And no, it's not fake. And no, it isn't ignoring reality. I used to think that, I thought that genuineness and being real meant accepting everything at face value. Until I realized that for us humans that is literally impossible.
I went to a meeting for work once (which I believe was fully meant for me as it was the weirdest random something like that had never happened and never happened again experience) where the woman presenting talked about this idea. And this is what made me believe it. Have you ever started dating someone and suddenly everywhere you go you notice his exact car? No, people didn't all the sudden go out and buy that car when you started dating. Instead, your senses were keyed into that input and so you noticed it all the time. We are not mentally capable of processing every bit of input we see or hear. And so our brains process that which we are tuned in to. So when I'm tuned into the car that my boyfriend drives, I suddenly notice that car everywhere. Now lets expand that to a broader principle. It is impossible for me to process every negative and positive reaction and emotion that mosys across my receptors. So whatever my receptors are tuned into that's what my brain will process. So essentially, if I choose to be tuned into positive, hopeful, grateful things, those are the things that my brain will notice. And suddenly I will see those emotions and reactions everywhere. (Not because suddenly everyone has become more grateful and kind and positive.) And thus, that becomes my reality.
Isn't that incredible? As I have come to realize that my life has changed. I used to think I had to let myself feel everything. Let all my emotions be raw and real. And I still think there is a place for that. But I also believe that genuineness in emotions can come more in choosing rather than just the feeling of them.
Okedoke. I think that's all I want to write about now. I'm just really grateful I stumbled across this blog to remind me of the truths God has been teaching me this past year (well, my whole life). I'm excited to put them more into practice.
Ttfn.
Beks
Musings
Sunday, December 27, 2015
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Graduation
Once upon a time I started college. In the fall of 2009 to be exact. It was exciting. And hard. And stressful. But it pushed me to grow and to change and to learn and to become. And I loved it. A year later I applied to the BYU college of nursing. The application process was so stressful. I was told by one of the advisers that if I didn't know for sure that nursing was my calling in life I shouldn't do it because I would end up being a horrible nurse. But I applied anyway, knowing very well that nursing was not my main calling in life, but also knowing that it would help me reach my potential. In July I found out that I was accepted to the program. I was dating Matt at the time and he took me out to eat to celebrate.
The first semester we started with lab. I learned how to do assessments and Brittany and I practiced them on each other. The second semester we started our clinicals at the nursing home. They began with 8 hr shifts. The next semester progressed to 10 hrs and then finally the last several were 12 hr shifts. Throughout the program I had several incidents of near fainting. 4th semester in the program I did faint--while watching an epidural being placed. I learned so much about confidence, about the importance of learning well. 5th semester almost killed me as it was ICU semester, clinicals up at the University of Utah hospital (getting up at 4 am to get ready, pick up each other, and drive up there by 5:45 and then leaving the hospital at 6 pm, driving in rush hour traffic, and finally getting home around 7:45. Loooong days), and studying psych nursing. That semester I also turned in my mission papers.
I got called to the California, Long Beach Mission. I was leaving February 29th, 2013. I would complete 3.5 years of college with just one semester of nursing school left to go when I returned. During my second transfer out, all of my class graduated from nursing. I remember that day. It was a little bit hard knowing all these people i had gone through nursing school with were going to be all done. And I wasn't there. But I came home from my mission in August 2014. My mission had changed my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I jumped back into school that semester, starting out with a semester of all generals to get those out of the way. In January of 2015 I started back into nursing. I was terrified. I knew no one, I had forgotten so much in the two years since I had been in nursing classes, and I had always struggled with confidence in nursing as it was, let alone being away from it for two years and then coming back into the semester where people expect you to know the most. It was hard. It added to the extreme emotions I had being home from my mission and the feelings and stress and loneliness that had caused. I was working 2 jobs, average of 50 hrs a week plus school and homework. I got up at 5 every morning and rarely went to bed before midnight every day. I didn't ever see my roommates and I struggled finding time to do things I loved and knew I needed to do.
Life is moving forward. Its rather scary, this transition into adulthood. I got offered a job on the labor and delivery floor of Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Provo. I start there in June. This summer I plan to buy a car, become financially independent, learn the guitar, learn Spanish, and play as much as possible :) I want to spend quality time with my Heavenly Father every day, learning about Him and learning how to let Him be more a part of my life. I want to enjoy nature. I am going to take better care of my body. And I am going to try and love the changes that are happening in my life.
I'm excited. Here's to the next 3 months of craziness :)
Friday, April 17, 2015
Amazing Grace
This is a repost from my journal blog. But I thought this one was worth sharing here as well.
Dear Journal,
I just spent the best $3 iv'e ever spent in my life.
This is what I spent it on:
I am blown away by the feelings that this movie has inspired in me. It happened the first time I watched it 5 years ago and they are even more powerful than before.
I've been doing a lot of thinking the last several days. A lot of thinking that has been motivating me to change.
Monday afternoon I came home from school with some of the worst feelings I have had in a long time. I was physically sick and mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had some of the most negative thoughts about myself that I have had since my mission. My mind was racing and I could not stop the horrid, negative thoughts from replaying over and over again. I couldn't stop it. So the only thing I knew how to do was read my scriptures and sleep. So at 4 in the afternoon I slept to get rid of the thoughts I couldn't control. Before I feel asleep I read the scriptures. And I was struck by this verse:
Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. I went on a hike with an elder from my mission. In our conversations we began to talk about values. The things that are part of us. Our mission president used to use the example of a man who woke up late. What part of his routine would he forgo to get to work on time? Would he skip a shower? Ironing his shirt? Breakfast? Kissing his wife goodbye? Finally he would ask, would he skip putting on his clothes? Of course not, was always the reply. That is how you find out what you really value he told us. What will you never ever ever compromise on? As Stephen and I were having this conversation I had a powerful realization about myself. In trying to identify my values--those things that are an uncompromising part of me--I realized where I fall short again and again. I could identify the values that I believe are a part of me, things that are such a part of me that I will never compromise on them. Modesty is one. Pondering/thinking deeply. But my list was not nearly as extensive as I would have liked. I thought through my priority list. In my mind, this is what I had decided were my priorities:
Dear Journal,
I just spent the best $3 iv'e ever spent in my life.
This is what I spent it on:
I've been doing a lot of thinking the last several days. A lot of thinking that has been motivating me to change.
Monday afternoon I came home from school with some of the worst feelings I have had in a long time. I was physically sick and mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had some of the most negative thoughts about myself that I have had since my mission. My mind was racing and I could not stop the horrid, negative thoughts from replaying over and over again. I couldn't stop it. So the only thing I knew how to do was read my scriptures and sleep. So at 4 in the afternoon I slept to get rid of the thoughts I couldn't control. Before I feel asleep I read the scriptures. And I was struck by this verse:
"And I set guards round about the land, that [they] might not come upon us again unawares and destroy us; and thus I did guard my people...and keep them from falling into the hands of our enemies" (Mosiah 10:2).Immediately the thought came to my mind: what "guards" have I been placing in my life, that the enemy might not come upon me unawares and destroy my ability to serve God? I had a really strong realization that in order to not fall prey to such awful, horrid thoughts and feelings about myself I needed to set up these guards in my life.
Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. I went on a hike with an elder from my mission. In our conversations we began to talk about values. The things that are part of us. Our mission president used to use the example of a man who woke up late. What part of his routine would he forgo to get to work on time? Would he skip a shower? Ironing his shirt? Breakfast? Kissing his wife goodbye? Finally he would ask, would he skip putting on his clothes? Of course not, was always the reply. That is how you find out what you really value he told us. What will you never ever ever compromise on? As Stephen and I were having this conversation I had a powerful realization about myself. In trying to identify my values--those things that are an uncompromising part of me--I realized where I fall short again and again. I could identify the values that I believe are a part of me, things that are such a part of me that I will never compromise on them. Modesty is one. Pondering/thinking deeply. But my list was not nearly as extensive as I would have liked. I thought through my priority list. In my mind, this is what I had decided were my priorities:
My relationship with God
My relationship with my family
Church service
My relationship with others
School
Work
But as I ran my mind back through my day I saw very clearly the obvious disparity between my actions and my priorities. And I realized that priorities weren't enough. Because priorities get out of order often. I wanted these things to become values. To become things I will never, ever compromise on. I want my relationship with my Father in Heaven to something that is an essential part of me. And only then will it ensure that it remains a priority in my mind as well as a priority in my actions. I need it to become who I am.
Tonight, as I watched this video, with so many thoughts and emotions from the day and week and semester, I was inspired to be better. I don't need to fight against slavery. But I need to fight for goodness. In the movie, William Wilberforce is told that he has the opportunity between praising God or changing the world. He replies with something to the effect of, I would change myself first. And later realizes that the best way to serve God is to make that change in himself and then go forward and change the world. And he does. And it is a part of him.
I don't know if I will ever change the world in a large way. But I can change myself. I can shape myself to be a person who doesn't compromise on my values. Because they have become who I am. And I want that thought to motivate me. To change my actions. To get me up in the morning. To give me the energy to work and try and keep going no matter what.
One of the most touching moments in this movie was when this man who was tortured by his memory of what he had done, who penned the words to Amazing Grace states, "Although my memory is fading I remember two things quite clearly. I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." I love it. I know it's true. And that is what makes life matter.
Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saves a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, once blind but now I see.
Monday, March 2, 2015
Love
For the last several weeks I've been thinking a lot about love. Ha and you may be thinking, when is she ever not thinking about love? And that's valid ;) but I've learned so much about it lately. More than I usually do in this short of time. I've learned so much about vulnerability and the power in that. I was really really open with Nate. And it left me super vulnerable. And the last several weeks I've regretted that hard core. It makes me feel unsafe and still really vulnerable around him. And I don't feel like he understands what it means to me or what sharing those things with him meant. But today I learned something new. Perhaps it was too much, but being that vulnerable has facilitated more change in me than I thought was possible from such a short relationship. It's been painful and hard but it's allowed me to be open and honest with myself because I was so open with him. And because it left me feeling so vulnerable, wanting validation or assurance about what he thinks, and open to being hurt (and I got hurt), it's forced me to search elsewhere for that validation. And it has made me reflect upon where I get my confidence. It's made me think about who I am and who I want to be and if I like those things. It's made me seek inprovement. And I've progressed a lot faster than I otherwise would have on my journey to being confident in God and being confident in myself. And I've realized that that is what vulnerability does. It opens the pathway of progression. And if I can be okay with how vulnerable i still feel around him, being vulnerable with the next person will be easier. Because my confidence in myself will no longer be placed in how they respond to that openness or what they think of me because of it. Rather I will have confidence in Heavenly Father and myself. And then I can be vulnerable to other people because my base is solid.
Tonight Allegra and I also talked a lot about what it means to love. We talked about relationships. Particularly the speed of relationships, physical relationships, and the types of people we want to date. Something that I've decided I really want is to just get to know someone for a while before I feel like they are "pursuing" me. I want to let our relationship develop really naturally. I want to be okay with not progressing a physical relationship for a long time. And I want a physical relationship to develop out of a desire to show someone you care about them, not out of a desire to meet a need or passion you feel. And I think that will help it be slow. Because of someone really wants to use physical touch to simply express how they feel about me then they'll be okay with just holding my hand. Or giving me a hug. Or putting their arm around me. Rather than feel the need to progress so quickly on to kissing.
Anyways, those are my thoughts. There are a bunch more. About how I view dating and marriage and thinking about the future. And it makes those types of relationships seem very distant. And I think im okay with that. Right now I'm just okay with working on myself and learning better what it means to love the people around me. And as I do that I will be that much more prepared when that day finally does come that I can take that step.
Okedoke. Goodnight!
Tonight Allegra and I also talked a lot about what it means to love. We talked about relationships. Particularly the speed of relationships, physical relationships, and the types of people we want to date. Something that I've decided I really want is to just get to know someone for a while before I feel like they are "pursuing" me. I want to let our relationship develop really naturally. I want to be okay with not progressing a physical relationship for a long time. And I want a physical relationship to develop out of a desire to show someone you care about them, not out of a desire to meet a need or passion you feel. And I think that will help it be slow. Because of someone really wants to use physical touch to simply express how they feel about me then they'll be okay with just holding my hand. Or giving me a hug. Or putting their arm around me. Rather than feel the need to progress so quickly on to kissing.
Anyways, those are my thoughts. There are a bunch more. About how I view dating and marriage and thinking about the future. And it makes those types of relationships seem very distant. And I think im okay with that. Right now I'm just okay with working on myself and learning better what it means to love the people around me. And as I do that I will be that much more prepared when that day finally does come that I can take that step.
Okedoke. Goodnight!
Sunday, February 15, 2015
Accountability
I'm really serious about trying to change the lens I see the world with. Here are the responses to my goals for the rest of this week:
Saturday: I am really grateful for Lara. She has been so willing to let me be her friend. And I love her for it. I'm also grateful for Paris and how much she helped out at work. And I'm grateful for fruit. :)
Something I did well was to notice and be persistent in getting a resident's catheter replaced as it was leaking. It had caused a LOT of skin breakdown and I'm so glad the nurse put a new one in so she could stay dry. And I learned a lot watching that.
Sunday: I'm really grateful for Allegra. Our relationship has been a little bit rocky the last several months. But I'm grateful she was willing to be honest with me and I could be honest with her and we could figure out things we could improve and do better. And I'm grateful she helps me figure out my emotions and feelings.
Something I did well today was being honest with Allegra. Also, today at dinner I was being really stubborn and extreme. But I recognized it and called myself out on it and tried to change it and be humble. And it was hard. But it felt good.
I really love my life. I am so blessed. I get to study nursing at an incredible school. I get to learn and play and sing music. I have a healthy body. I can enjoy nature. I get to live with girls who are constantly trying to improve and become better. I have an awesome ward. I have a job that teaches me a lot and I can earn money and pay for rent and school. I have an awesome family who I love almost more than anything (I got to see Quince today and it was so so good :) and who love me despite my quirkiness and extreme moods and emotions and frustrations. I love them. And most importantly I have a Savior. Who gave His life for me that I might be able to change and to learn and grow and become better. How grateful I am for Him. I love Him. He is my light and my salvation and it brings me so much peace to know that He will always be my Savior. I am incredibly grateful for my Heavenly Father who loves me. Weaknesses and all. And who understands me and wants me to be happy even when I'm doing nothing to deserve it.
Here is to the next few months, as crazy as they will be, of change. Finding out who I am, who I want to be, and how to get there.
Goodnight!
Saturday: I am really grateful for Lara. She has been so willing to let me be her friend. And I love her for it. I'm also grateful for Paris and how much she helped out at work. And I'm grateful for fruit. :)
Something I did well was to notice and be persistent in getting a resident's catheter replaced as it was leaking. It had caused a LOT of skin breakdown and I'm so glad the nurse put a new one in so she could stay dry. And I learned a lot watching that.
Sunday: I'm really grateful for Allegra. Our relationship has been a little bit rocky the last several months. But I'm grateful she was willing to be honest with me and I could be honest with her and we could figure out things we could improve and do better. And I'm grateful she helps me figure out my emotions and feelings.
Something I did well today was being honest with Allegra. Also, today at dinner I was being really stubborn and extreme. But I recognized it and called myself out on it and tried to change it and be humble. And it was hard. But it felt good.
I really love my life. I am so blessed. I get to study nursing at an incredible school. I get to learn and play and sing music. I have a healthy body. I can enjoy nature. I get to live with girls who are constantly trying to improve and become better. I have an awesome ward. I have a job that teaches me a lot and I can earn money and pay for rent and school. I have an awesome family who I love almost more than anything (I got to see Quince today and it was so so good :) and who love me despite my quirkiness and extreme moods and emotions and frustrations. I love them. And most importantly I have a Savior. Who gave His life for me that I might be able to change and to learn and grow and become better. How grateful I am for Him. I love Him. He is my light and my salvation and it brings me so much peace to know that He will always be my Savior. I am incredibly grateful for my Heavenly Father who loves me. Weaknesses and all. And who understands me and wants me to be happy even when I'm doing nothing to deserve it.
Here is to the next few months, as crazy as they will be, of change. Finding out who I am, who I want to be, and how to get there.
Goodnight!
Friday, February 13, 2015
Happiness
I've blogged about this topic many times before. But lately I feel like I've been learning something about it that I never quite understood. It's implied in all the quotes and teachings I've studied in the scriptures and from the modern day prophets, but because of my logical brain I love to know the science behind some of it.
This video is awesome:
This video is awesome:
One of the quotes in there that I love is this:
"What we're finding is that it is not necessarily the reality that shapes us but the lens to which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. And if we can change the lens...can we change your happiness."
A few months ago we had a woman come to my work and talk to us about something similar. She gave several examples to show how our "lens" truly does change our reality. One example-how often do you hear someone talk about a particular type of car (or you date a boy who drives a particular car) and then suddenly you always see that type of car everywhere. Did all of Provo suddenly buy new cars? Heavens no. Bu because my brain was "focused in" on a certain type of car, my reality changed. Another example: how many of you have watched the video of the two teams passing the basketball back and forth? You're given instructions to try to count how many passes they make. At the end of the video they ask you if you saw the man in the monkey suit do a dance in the middle of the screen. I fell for that TWICE! And I was like, there is literally NO WAY that a man in a monkey suit walked through the video and I didn't notice. But it was true. My reality was different because I was focused on a specific thing.
So how much does my reality change if I am only focused on the negative things that happen in my life? Last night I only focused on the negative. How Nate came over and it killed me. How I had to try 5 different printers before I found one that worked. How I had a horrid headache and each minute not in bed was going to make me more exhausted for my 12 hr hospital shift today. How I was cold and lonely and stressed and had so much to do. But what if I had changed my lens? What if I had given Nate all the benefit of the doubt. Or put myself above being hurt? Or been grateful I had so many options for a printer on campus? Or noticed more the gorgeous view I got as I walked up and down so many stairs overlooking Provo? Or been grateful that it wasn't that cold outside. Or tried to look forward to the opportunity I would have today to see the miracle of birth and be a part of it? How much different would my reality have been if I had focused on those things?
Of course the actual facts wouldn't have changed. Nate still would have come over. The 4 first printers still would have been broken. It still would have been getting later and later. But who cares about facts? They only matter in relation to the story we create from them. And changing the lens with which I shape my story literally changes my reality.
I want to do it. I want to be a part of the happiness revolution. And I'm lucky because I have the other half of the answers aka the Gospel to provide that eternal happiness. I am going to switch out my lens by choosing to record and think about on one competent thing I did every day and one thing I am grateful for every single day.
I'm going to do it for the rest of February and see how my attitude about my ability changes. And how my happiness increases.
So here we go:
Today--> I successfully inserted an IV the first time I've tried since I've been home from my mission.
Today--> I am so grateful for Brittany and her willingness to spend time with me at our favorite spot (Cafe Rio obvi). I love her. She makes me happy :)
K, and now I get to do something else that makes me happy. I am going to bed.
Goodnight!
Monday, February 9, 2015
MIA
Well hey!
I've been pretty absent from the blogging world lately, but my life has been insanely crazy. So that is why :) And I wanted to write this big long post today about some of the things I've been thinking of but I wasted too much time playing around on the guitar and now I have to go to bed since I have to get up at 5 tomorrow for clinicals. Yay! I get to see more babies born tomorrow :)
But here are some of the things I've been realizing so much about lately:
-God loves me. All of the time. And given His track record of the first 23 years of my life, these next few are going to be pretty great :) I don't know why I always forget how much He takes care of me. I just need to trust Him in that.
-My relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is a relationship. It's not a one sided thing. It's not an only on Sunday or when I'm reading my scriptures or saying my prayers thing. It's an every day, constant thing. They're there when I need to talk with someone or tell someone about my day or just let out all the dramatic and ridiculous things I want to say. They are always listening. And They are always on my team. They want my relationships with my friends to work out. They want my dating life to be good. They want me to do well in school and clinical and work. They want me to be happy. Isn't that so cool? This line really stuck out to me in the hymn we sang in church on Sunday: "I have loved thee as a friend with a love that cannot end" (Hymn 185).
-Life is beautiful. If I never had anything to stress about I would get so bored of it. If I didn't have to wake up at 5 every morning my conversation with myself each morning wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. :) If I didn't have to spend 50+ hours in scrubs every week I wouldn't appreciate jeans nearly as much. And if I didn't get to have hands on experience in the hospital I wouldn't be as motivated to study. And if I didn't have struggles with relationships I wouldn't have so much incentive to look inward and see how I can change and improve.
Here is the song I've been obsessed with lately:
I've been pretty absent from the blogging world lately, but my life has been insanely crazy. So that is why :) And I wanted to write this big long post today about some of the things I've been thinking of but I wasted too much time playing around on the guitar and now I have to go to bed since I have to get up at 5 tomorrow for clinicals. Yay! I get to see more babies born tomorrow :)
But here are some of the things I've been realizing so much about lately:
-God loves me. All of the time. And given His track record of the first 23 years of my life, these next few are going to be pretty great :) I don't know why I always forget how much He takes care of me. I just need to trust Him in that.
-My relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is a relationship. It's not a one sided thing. It's not an only on Sunday or when I'm reading my scriptures or saying my prayers thing. It's an every day, constant thing. They're there when I need to talk with someone or tell someone about my day or just let out all the dramatic and ridiculous things I want to say. They are always listening. And They are always on my team. They want my relationships with my friends to work out. They want my dating life to be good. They want me to do well in school and clinical and work. They want me to be happy. Isn't that so cool? This line really stuck out to me in the hymn we sang in church on Sunday: "I have loved thee as a friend with a love that cannot end" (Hymn 185).
-Life is beautiful. If I never had anything to stress about I would get so bored of it. If I didn't have to wake up at 5 every morning my conversation with myself each morning wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. :) If I didn't have to spend 50+ hours in scrubs every week I wouldn't appreciate jeans nearly as much. And if I didn't get to have hands on experience in the hospital I wouldn't be as motivated to study. And if I didn't have struggles with relationships I wouldn't have so much incentive to look inward and see how I can change and improve.
Here is the song I've been obsessed with lately:
And the cool thing is that I already know my ending. And it's going to be beautiful.
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