Truth

It's been a while. But I'm bored at work with no patient so I decided to write an email to myself that I can eventually post on my blog.

Today I discovered something that I haven't for a long while. I discovered a blog that I'm absolutely obsessed with. It's called A Blog About Love (www.ablogaboutlove.com). And it's incredible.

I feel like I've learned a million things since I've been home from my mission-I've changed and grown and become better and more confident in so many ways-and I found a writer who is articulating and expanding upon the things that I've done. And it's made me so excited. 

Essentially the truth behind all these new ideas and principles and life style changes is this:

Because of God and truth that exists in the universe, we can CHOOSE to create our own reality.

And no, it's not fake. And no, it isn't ignoring reality. I used to think that, I thought that genuineness and being real meant accepting everything at face value. Until I realized that for us humans that is literally impossible.

I went to a meeting for work once (which I believe was fully meant for me as it was the weirdest random something like that had never happened and never happened again experience) where the woman presenting talked about this idea. And this is what made me believe it. Have you ever started dating someone and suddenly everywhere you go you notice his exact car? No, people didn't all the sudden go out and buy that car when you started dating. Instead, your senses were keyed into that input and so you noticed it all the time. We are not mentally capable of processing every bit of input we see or hear. And so our brains process that which we are tuned in to. So when I'm tuned into the car that my boyfriend drives, I suddenly notice that car everywhere. Now lets expand that to a broader principle. It is impossible for me to process every negative and positive reaction and emotion that mosys across my receptors. So whatever my receptors are tuned into that's what my brain will process. So essentially, if I choose to be tuned into positive, hopeful, grateful things, those are the things that my brain will notice. And suddenly I will see those emotions and reactions everywhere. (Not because suddenly everyone has become more grateful and kind and positive.) And thus, that becomes my reality. 

Isn't that incredible? As I have come to realize that my life has changed. I used to think I had to let myself feel everything. Let all my emotions be raw and real. And I still think there is a place for that. But I also believe that genuineness in emotions can come more in choosing rather than just the feeling of them.

Okedoke. I think that's all I want to write about now. I'm just really grateful I stumbled across this blog to remind me of the truths God has been teaching me this past year (well, my whole life). I'm excited to put them more into practice.

Ttfn. 

Beks

Graduation

Once upon a time I started college. In the fall of 2009 to be exact. It was exciting. And hard. And stressful. But it pushed me to grow and to change and to learn and to become. And I loved it. A year later I applied to the BYU college of nursing. The application process was so stressful. I was told by one of the advisers that if I didn't know for sure that nursing was my calling in life I shouldn't do it because I would end up being a horrible nurse. But I applied anyway, knowing very well that nursing was not my main calling in life, but also knowing that it would help me reach my potential. In July I found out that I was accepted to the program. I was dating Matt at the time and he took me out to eat to celebrate. 

The first semester we started with lab. I learned how to do assessments and Brittany and I practiced them on each other. The second semester we started our clinicals at the nursing home. They began with 8 hr shifts. The next semester progressed to 10 hrs and then finally the last several were 12 hr shifts. Throughout the program I had several incidents of near fainting. 4th semester in the program I did faint--while watching an epidural being placed.  I learned so much about confidence, about the importance of learning well. 5th semester almost killed me as it was ICU semester, clinicals up at the University of Utah hospital (getting up at 4 am to get ready, pick up each other, and drive up there by 5:45 and then leaving the hospital at 6 pm, driving in rush hour traffic, and finally getting home around 7:45. Loooong days), and studying psych nursing. That semester I also turned in my mission papers. 

I got called to the California, Long Beach Mission. I was leaving February 29th, 2013. I would complete 3.5 years of college with just one semester of nursing school left to go when I returned. During my second transfer out, all of my class graduated from nursing. I remember that day. It was a little bit hard knowing all these people i had gone through nursing school with were going to be all done. And I wasn't there. But I came home from my mission in August 2014. My mission had changed my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. I jumped back into school that semester, starting out with a semester of all generals to get those out of the way. In January of 2015 I started back into nursing. I was terrified. I knew no one, I had forgotten so much in the two years since I had been in nursing classes, and I had always struggled with confidence in nursing as it was, let alone being away from it for two years and then coming back into the semester where people expect you to know the most. It was hard. It added to the extreme emotions I had being home from my mission and the feelings and stress and loneliness that had caused. I was working 2 jobs, average of 50 hrs a week plus school and homework. I got up at 5 every morning and rarely went to bed before midnight every day. I didn't ever see my roommates and I struggled finding time to do things I loved and knew I needed to do. 

 But the semester passed. I studied hard. I have learned more in the last 6 months than I ever have in such a short amount of time. I learned about confidence, about relationships, about the importance of taking care of my body, about positive thinking and happiness, and about vulnerability. And 2 days ago I finished college. I graduated from nursing school. I finished!

Life is moving forward. Its rather scary, this transition into adulthood. I got offered a job on the labor and delivery floor of Utah Valley Regional Medical Center in Provo. I start there in June. This summer I plan to buy a car, become financially independent, learn the guitar, learn Spanish, and play as much as possible :) I want to spend quality time with my Heavenly Father every day, learning about Him and learning how to let Him be more a part of my life. I want to enjoy nature. I am going to take better care of my body. And I am going to try and love the changes that are happening in my life.

I'm excited. Here's to the next 3 months of craziness :)

Amazing Grace

This is a repost from my journal blog. But I thought this one was worth sharing here as well. 

Dear Journal,

I just spent the best $3 iv'e ever spent in my life.

This is what I spent it on:
I am blown away by the feelings that this movie has inspired in me. It happened the first time I watched it 5 years ago and they are even more powerful than before.

I've been doing a lot of thinking the last several days. A lot of thinking that has been motivating me to change.

Monday afternoon I came home from school with some of the worst feelings I have had in a long time. I was physically sick and mentally and emotionally exhausted. I had some of the most negative thoughts about myself that I have had since my mission. My mind was racing and I could not stop the horrid, negative thoughts from replaying over and over again. I couldn't stop it. So the only thing I knew how to do was read my scriptures and sleep. So at 4 in the afternoon I slept to get rid of the thoughts I couldn't control. Before I feel asleep I read the scriptures. And I was struck by this verse:

"And I set guards round about the land, that [they] might not come upon us again unawares and destroy us; and thus I did guard my people...and keep them from falling into the hands of our enemies" (Mosiah 10:2).

Immediately the thought came to my mind: what "guards" have I been placing in my life, that the enemy might not come upon me unawares and destroy my ability to serve God? I had a really strong realization that in order to not fall prey to such awful, horrid thoughts and feelings about myself I needed to set up these guards in my life.

Fast forward to Thursday afternoon. I went on a hike with an elder from my mission. In our conversations we began to talk about values. The things that are part of us. Our mission president used to use the example of a man who woke up late. What part of his routine would he forgo to get to work on time? Would he skip a shower? Ironing his shirt? Breakfast? Kissing his wife goodbye? Finally he would ask, would he skip putting on his clothes? Of course not, was always the reply. That is how you find out what you really value he told us. What will you never ever ever compromise on? As Stephen and I were having this conversation I had a powerful realization about myself. In trying to identify my values--those things that are an uncompromising part of me--I realized where I fall short again and again. I could identify the values that I believe are a part of me, things that are such a part of me that I will never compromise on them. Modesty is one. Pondering/thinking deeply. But my list was not nearly as extensive as I would have liked. I thought through my priority list. In my mind, this is what I had decided were my priorities:

My relationship with God

My relationship with my family

Church service

My relationship with others

School

Work

But as I ran my mind back through my day I saw very clearly the obvious disparity between my actions and my priorities. And I realized that priorities weren't enough. Because priorities get out of order often. I wanted these things to become values. To become things I will never, ever compromise on. I want my relationship with my Father in Heaven to something that is an essential part of me. And only then will it ensure that it remains a priority in my mind as well as a priority in my actions. I need it to become who I am. 

Tonight, as I watched this video, with so many thoughts and emotions from the day and week and semester, I was inspired to be better. I don't need to fight against slavery. But I need to fight for goodness. In the movie, William Wilberforce is told that he has the opportunity between praising God or changing the world. He replies with something to the effect of, I would change myself first. And later realizes that the best way to serve God is to make that change in himself and then go forward and change the world. And he does. And it is a part of him. 

I don't know if I will ever change the world in a large way. But I can change myself. I can shape myself to be a person who doesn't compromise on my values. Because they have become who I am. And I want that thought to motivate me. To change my actions. To get me up in the morning. To give me the energy to work and try and keep going no matter what. 

One of the most touching moments in this movie was when this man who was tortured by his memory of what he had done, who penned the words to Amazing Grace states, "Although my memory is fading I remember two things quite clearly. I am a great sinner and Christ is a great Savior." I love it. I know it's true. And that is what makes life matter. 

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound that saves a wretch like me. I once was lost but now am found, once blind but now I see.  

Love

For the last several weeks I've been thinking a lot about love. Ha and you may be thinking, when is she ever not thinking about love? And that's valid ;) but I've learned so much about it lately. More than I usually do in this short of time. I've learned so much about vulnerability and the power in that. I was really really open with Nate. And it left me super vulnerable. And the last several weeks I've regretted that hard core. It makes me feel unsafe and still really vulnerable around him. And I don't feel like he understands what it means to me or what sharing those things with him meant. But today I learned something new. Perhaps it was too much, but being that vulnerable has facilitated more change in me than I thought was possible from such a short relationship. It's been painful and hard but it's allowed me to be open and honest with myself because I was so open with him. And because it left me feeling so vulnerable, wanting validation or assurance about what he thinks, and open to being hurt (and I got hurt), it's forced me to search elsewhere for that validation. And it has made me reflect upon where I get my confidence. It's made me think about who I am and who I want to be and if I like those things. It's made me seek inprovement. And I've progressed a lot faster than I otherwise would have on my journey to being confident in God and being confident in myself. And I've realized that that is what vulnerability does. It opens the pathway of progression. And if I can be okay with how vulnerable i still feel around him, being vulnerable with the next person will be easier. Because my confidence in myself will no longer be placed in how they respond to that openness or what they think of me because of it. Rather I will have confidence in Heavenly Father and myself. And then I can be vulnerable to other people because my base is solid.

Tonight Allegra and I also talked a lot about what it means to love. We talked about relationships. Particularly the speed of relationships, physical relationships, and the types of people we want to date. Something that I've decided I really want is to just get to know someone for a while before I feel like they are "pursuing" me. I want to let our relationship develop really naturally. I want to be okay with not progressing a physical relationship for a long time. And I want a physical relationship to develop out of a desire to show someone you care about them, not out of a desire to meet a need or passion you feel. And I think that will help it be slow. Because of someone really wants to use physical touch to simply express how they feel about me then they'll be okay with just holding my hand. Or giving me a hug. Or putting their arm around me. Rather than feel the need to progress so quickly on to kissing.

Anyways, those are my thoughts. There are a bunch more. About how I view dating and marriage and thinking about the future. And it makes those types of relationships seem very distant. And I think im okay with that. Right now I'm just okay with working on myself and learning better what it means to love the people around me. And as I do that I will be that much more prepared when that day finally does come that I can take that step.

Okedoke. Goodnight!

Accountability

I'm really serious about trying to change the lens I see the world with. Here are the responses to my goals for the rest of this week:

Saturday: I am really grateful for Lara. She has been so willing to let me be her friend. And I love her for it. I'm also grateful for Paris and how much she helped out at work. And I'm grateful for fruit. :)
Something I did well was to notice and be persistent in getting a resident's catheter replaced as it was leaking. It had caused a LOT of skin breakdown and I'm so glad the nurse put a new one in so she could stay dry. And I learned a lot watching that.

Sunday: I'm really grateful for Allegra. Our relationship has been a little bit rocky the last several months. But I'm grateful she was willing to be honest with me and I could be honest with her and we could figure out things we could improve and do better. And I'm grateful she helps me figure out my emotions and feelings.
Something I did well today was being honest with Allegra. Also, today at dinner I was being really stubborn and extreme. But I recognized it and called myself out on it and tried to change it and be humble. And it was hard. But it felt good.

I really love my life. I am so blessed. I get to study nursing at an incredible school. I get to learn and play and sing music. I have a healthy body. I can enjoy nature. I get to live with girls who are constantly trying to improve and become better. I have an awesome ward. I have a job that teaches me a lot and I can earn money and pay for rent and school. I have an awesome family who I love almost more than anything (I got to see Quince today and it was so so good :) and who love me despite my quirkiness and extreme moods and emotions and frustrations. I love them. And most importantly I have a Savior. Who gave His life for me that I might be able to change and to learn and grow and become better. How grateful I am for Him. I love Him. He is my light and my salvation and it brings me so much peace to know that He will always be my Savior. I am incredibly grateful for my Heavenly Father who loves me. Weaknesses and all. And who understands me and wants me to be happy even when I'm doing nothing to deserve it.

Here is to the next few months, as crazy as they will be, of change. Finding out who I am, who I want to be, and how to get there.

Goodnight!

Happiness

I've blogged about this topic many times before. But lately I feel like I've been learning something about it that I never quite understood. It's implied in all the quotes and teachings I've studied in the scriptures and from the modern day prophets, but because of my logical brain I love to know the science behind some of it.

This video is awesome:

One of the quotes in there that I love is this:

"What we're finding is that it is not necessarily the reality that shapes us but the lens to which your brain views the world that shapes your reality. And if we can change the lens...can we change your happiness." 

A few months ago we had a woman come to my work and talk to us about something similar. She gave several examples to show how our "lens" truly does change our reality. One example-how often do you hear someone talk about a particular type of car (or you date a boy who drives a particular car) and then suddenly you always see that type of car everywhere. Did all of Provo suddenly buy new cars? Heavens no. Bu because my brain was "focused in" on a certain type of car, my reality changed. Another example: how many of you have watched the video of the two teams passing the basketball back and forth? You're given instructions to try to count how many passes they make. At the end of the video they ask you if you saw the man in the monkey suit do a dance in the middle of the screen. I fell for that TWICE! And I was like, there is literally NO WAY that a man in a monkey suit walked through the video and I didn't notice. But it was true. My reality was different because I was focused on a specific thing. 

So how much does my reality change if I am only focused on the negative things that happen in my life? Last night I only focused on the negative. How Nate came over and it killed me. How I had to try 5 different printers before I found one that worked. How I had a horrid headache and each minute not in bed was going to make me more exhausted for my 12 hr hospital shift today. How I was cold and lonely and stressed and had so much to do. But what if I had changed my lens? What if I had given Nate all the benefit of the doubt. Or put myself above being hurt? Or been grateful I had so many options for a printer on campus? Or noticed more the gorgeous view I got as I walked up and down so many stairs overlooking Provo? Or been grateful that it wasn't that cold outside. Or tried to look forward to the opportunity I would have today to see the miracle of birth and be a part of it? How much different would my reality have been if I had focused on those things? 

Of course the actual facts wouldn't have changed. Nate still would have come over. The 4 first printers still would have been broken. It still would have been getting later and later. But who cares about facts? They only matter in relation to the story we create from them. And changing the lens with which I shape my story literally changes my reality. 

I want to do it. I want to be a part of the happiness revolution. And I'm lucky because I have the other half of the answers aka the Gospel to provide that eternal happiness. I am going to switch out my lens by choosing to record and think about on one competent thing I did every day and one thing I am grateful for every single day. 

I'm going to do it for the rest of February and see how my attitude about my ability changes. And how my happiness increases. 

So here we go:

Today--> I successfully inserted an IV the first time I've tried since I've been home from my mission. 

Today--> I am so grateful for Brittany and her willingness to spend time with me at our favorite spot (Cafe Rio obvi). I love her. She makes me happy :) 

K, and now I get to do something else that makes me happy. I am going to bed. 

Goodnight! 

MIA

Well hey!

I've been pretty absent from the blogging world lately, but my life has been insanely crazy. So that is why :) And I wanted to write this big long post today about some of the things I've been thinking of but I wasted too much time playing around on the guitar and now I have to go to bed since I have to get up at 5 tomorrow for clinicals. Yay! I get to see more babies born tomorrow :)

But here are some of the things I've been realizing so much about lately:
-God loves me. All of the time. And given His track record of the first 23 years of my life, these next few are going to be pretty great :) I don't know why I always forget how much He takes care of me. I just need to trust Him in that.

-My relationship with Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ is a relationship. It's not a one sided thing. It's not an only on Sunday or when I'm reading my scriptures or saying my prayers thing. It's an every day, constant thing. They're there when I need to talk with someone or tell someone about my day or just let out all the dramatic and ridiculous things I want to say. They are always listening. And They are always on my team. They want my relationships with my friends to work out. They want my dating life to be good. They want me to do well in school and clinical and work. They want me to be happy. Isn't that so cool? This line really stuck out to me in the hymn we sang in church on Sunday: "I have loved thee as a friend with a love that cannot end" (Hymn 185).

-Life is beautiful. If I never had anything to stress about I would get so bored of it. If I didn't have to wake up at 5 every morning my conversation with myself each morning wouldn't be nearly as entertaining. :) If I didn't have to spend 50+ hours in scrubs every week I wouldn't appreciate jeans nearly as much. And if I didn't get to have hands on experience in the hospital I wouldn't be as motivated to study. And if I didn't have struggles with relationships I wouldn't have so much incentive to look inward and see how I can change and improve.

Here is the song I've been obsessed with lately:

And the cool thing is that I already know my ending. And it's going to be beautiful. 

I have a long time yet.

Dear Journal,

Today, while I was eating lunch at Dad's office, I had a really cool experience. I was really stressed. I was super tired. And I had so much to do. And the next two days don't offer much of a break at all. But suddenly I had a very clear perspective. I realized that I don't even have to do any of these things if I don't want to. I realized that it was okay if I didn't get perfect grades. And it was okay if I wasn't even close to top of my class. Or if I felt behind because I havent done nursing things for 2 years because of my mission. And actually, it would be perfectly okay if I didn't take the NCLEX right when I graduated if I didn't feel ready.

Obviously I want to do all of these things. I want to be prepared and confident in school, I want to be ready for a job when I graduate. But today Heavenly Father reminded me that I don't even have to complete everything in a certain time frame.

It was such a beautiful reminder that this life is about my journey. MINE. Not the other 63 nursing students. Not the rest of the sisters from my mission, not my cousins or friends. For me this life is about my journey. And it's about my becoming. And God knows the best way and the best timing for me to become. So if my life doesn't go the way I tried to plan it, that's okay. Because as long as I'm becoming better and making progress on this journey it doesn't really matter how long it takes me or what happens along the way. I'm so grateful for that :)

I also need to write about my conversation with Tiffany about confidence and eggs :)

But now I need to go to bed. I have clinicals in 7 hours...

Goodnight!

LOVE

Tonight I watched Divergent.

I wasn't planning on it. I got home from work and my roommates were at a neighboring apartment and so I went to join them. And they were watching it. So I just stayed.

I was so grossed out by all the violence. Killing, especially when done via knife or gun, is really hard for me to handle in movies. It makes me feel really deeply and it almost makes me get more sensitive. I'm not sure I quite understand it. It makes me not know what to do.

In the movie there is a love story. Between the two Divergents. And it's cute and perfect and wonderful. But after the movie I had all this bitterness towards all boys. I realized it as I was talking to Allegra. And as we talked about it I realized, and she taught me, a lot of things. I used to love love stories like that. I would get all giddy over them and day dream about them. But now I get frustrated and have all these angry feelings about them. And I think tonight I may have understood why.

I learned a few years ago that romance and relationships and love were not what I thought they were. I learned that intellectually first, and then I felt it. But I only felt what it was not. I felt like the thing I had dreamed about and wished and hoped for didn't actually exist. It wasn't real. It was something made up in the movies and in the books. It didn't actually ever happen like that in real life. I understood that. I internalized it. And I tried to be okay with it.

Every once in a while i felt like I got a glimpse of what true love actually is. What it is in reality. And in those brief moments it made me happy. Not like the happy, giddy, dreamy feeling I got after watching Mr. Knightly and Emma, not the hope for something fake. Rather it was a deep happiness. And I got a glimpse of what that deep happiness would look like when I found that real love.

On my mission I learned a lot about love. I learned what it meant to love a companion even when sometimes you were so frustrated with her you could hardly be civil. That was when real love came in to play. When you kept loving them and put their needs ahead of your own.

But coming home I think I fell back into this jaded perspective of love. Things just didn't work out the way I wanted and I've been starting to let myself believe that it would just never feel the way I wanted it to. I want to stop that. Because I know it's not true. Allegra said something that made me really think. She said, "I think romantic love is very very close to love you feel for a friend."

I actually don't know how I feel about this right now. So i'm going to stop writing it. But those are my thoughts thus far.

Lately

Merry Christmas!

This Christmas has been an interesting one for me. Very different than any Christmas I've had before.

Perhaps it's because I recently returned from my mission so my perspective is different. Perhaps it is because the majority of my siblings were not here for Christmas. Perhaps it is because I am in a different phase of life. But whatever the reason, it has made me ponder a lot.

One of the things I've thought a lot about is gifts. I did a pretty poor job getting gifts this year. I hate being that person who sends gifts late or who just has to give coupons or pictures of a gift you will get. My family has never really been in to gift giving much. I don't think gifts have every really been ways we express love to each other. So it's always been a little funny to give each other gifts, half of them not arrived yet, some of them not even purchased. (*Note: this excludes Jen, she's the best gift giver of the fam). But with friends it's a little different. Especially with my roommates. They are really good gift givers. So in my stress to return the thought and love they'd show me with their gifts I thought a lot about the whole tradition of gift giving. Why do we even give gifts to each other? The first response in my head was to remember the gifts given to Christ from the wise men. However, my Dad answered that question differently. He said it was to remember the Gift our Father in Heaven gave us in sending us His Son, Jesus Christ. Wow. What an incredible thing to try to emulate. That was a perfect gift given in pure, perfect love. I decided I want my gifts to be more like that from here on out. I may not be able to get the most expensive or fancy gift, but I want to give meaningful gifts. And perhaps that means gifts of time and service more than gifts of things. And some day, when I have a family of my own, I want to start a tradition of skipping the physical gifts of Christmas to each other, and instead show the gift of love through service. To each other within the family as well as to people we choose to serve that year, whether it be humanitarian trips, service at shelters, or something of the kind. #sharethegift


Something else I've been pondering on a lot recently is time. We have such a short amount of it. This Christmas I've wasted a lot of time. It's the first time in years that I haven't had to work during Christmas vacation. Or had homework due (in high school) the week I get back. So I've done a lot of staying up late and sleeping in and watching way too many movies. And it isn't fun. It feels really useless and ineffective and like I'm wasting precious time. This week I'm going to try to do better. I'm going to schedule my time and exercise and practice and read good books and put Heavenly Father first in my day through scripture reading and prayer. I think because I've seen so many movies with intense, dramatic plots and crazy love stories and dangerous situations I've decided that life really is so so simple. It's all about who we become. And we become by doing. And we have our entire lives to do. We can develop talents and personality traits and characteristics. And that is what it's all about. Trials give us opportunities to test those qualities. Easy times give us the opportunity to show faith and dedication and to build them. And it all comes down to how we choose to react and how we choose to act. I want to act and not be acted upon. I want to react in positive, patient, kind ways. I want to choose to become instead of letting my circumstances choose for me. And it all happens in small, simple steps.


Anyways, to move past my thoughts, here are some updates on my life:
School: I found out my capstone placement for next semester! Capstone is where you get to specialize on a specific unit by working all semester there with a preceptor nurse. You work with your preceptor whenever he/she works. You have a required number of hours that typically turns out to be about 3 12 hr shifts/week. You get to put your top 3 preferences. And I got my first choice. Labor and Delivery at UVRMC!! Wahoo!! I'm so so excited :) I get to help mothers bring their beautiful babies into the world all semester long. It's the best thing ever. But it's going to be a huge time commitment. Which brings me to my next update...

Work: I work at a nursing home in south Provo. And lets just say that I don't love my job. I don't mind what I do (I mean, I think very few people love cleaning up bodily wastes but I actually don't mind it) but I really dislike how it is run. We're always short staffed, we're always running crazy, I never know my schedule until the first week of the month and it changes randomly and it's really hard to plan around and... I could go on. But the point is, currently I'm looking for another job. It's rather difficult because I don't know my school schedule for another 2 weeks so it's hard to apply to jobs when I don't know if I'll actually be able to work their hours. But it's going to work out.

Dating: Boys are the worst. I mean, sometimes I love them. But lately they've just caused a lot of drama and frustration in my life. I've realized so much about myself, however, that I'd say these experiences have been worth it. I've learned that I have a long way to go before I could ever be ready for marriage. I need to become sure of and confident in who I am. I need to know that I'm okay, that I can be a valuable part of any relationship, and that I'm confident that I am becoming who God wants me to be. I need to be secure and confident on my own before I can be ready for a relationship. I think that in the past month or so I've begun to reach a healthy spot in that aspect. I have a long way to go, but it makes the dearth in dating okay because I have a future goal or objective I'm working towards.

Social life: This area of my life has been a roller coaster. Having a lot to do with the above section, I'm still learning to be confident and sure of myself. I'm learning who I am and becoming okay with the things I"m discovering about myself. Or setting goals to change them.

And that, folks, is my life. Pretty great if you ask me. Take out financial stress and dating stress and social stress and I think my life would be perfect. And if those are the only things I have to worry about that I'm doing just fine :) I'm so grateful for this phase of my life and the time I have to learn and grow and become. And I'm excited to see what 2015 has in store.

Kindness

When I was in high school I went to DC with my choir. It was a fun trip but, like usual, I was super shy and nervous the whole time. I remember one specific experience before we even got there though, we were on the plane and I was talking to the two people sitting next to me and when I found out we had an hour bus ride after we landed I made the sarcastic comment, "oh joy!" One of the women sitting next to me (who happened to be in my home ward) have a surprised laugh and made a comment along the lines of, I'm glad Rebekah's human too :)

When I was a junior in college my second year in the nursing program i was carpooling to salt lake with a group of nursing students and some how people started talking about getting frustrated. And one of the guys said, Rebekah have you ever gotten mad before? And the girl next to him said, how funny would it be to see Rebekah just EXPLODE at someone! I assured them that I did, in fact, get upset and frustrated but they didn't really believe me.

Tonight, on my way back from Idaho, I was talking to my favorite member family from my mission. They were telling me about an elder on their ward right now and asked if I knew him. I said, I don't have very kind feelings towards that elder. And they laughed and said, what?? Sister Andelin?? Ha that validates everything!!

What do these experiences have in common? They all are evidence that I am not very good at showing my true character hah. But in all seriousness, tonight especially has made me really ponder on what type of person I am. Obviously to a lot of people around me I come across as this angel child who always loves everyone. As much as I wish I was that, I actually often have very unkind thoughts about lots of people. And I think rude comments in my head. And I gossip. And I'm actually not that nice. But I realized today, I want to be that kind. I want to be as nice as everyone seems to think I am. I want to love others and serve them and want to do it because I genuinely care about them and about my Father in Heaven, not because I'm supposed to feel that way or do those things. I want to become that type of person, not just do those kind of things.

I was listening to President Uchtdorf's talk today on my drive and I was struck with this principle:

"Many of us have a difficult time seeing ourselves as we truly are, and even successful people overestimate their own contribution and underestimate the contributions that others make.

It might not be so significant to overestimate how well we drive a car or how far we can drive a golf ball. But when we start believing that our contributions at home, at work, and at church are greater than they actually are, we blind ourselves to blessings and opportunities to improve ourselves in significant and profound ways."
“Lord, Is It I?”
http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2014/10/lord-is-it-i?lang=eng

I want to stop overestimating my goodness or my contribution to the world. Instead I want to understand myself, weaknesses and strengths, and then begin to develop the qualities I want to have.

Thoughts on how to accomplish this?

Loneliness

Lately I have felt...miserable. I don't know if I've ever felt this lonely in my entire life. I think that is probably the number one reason coming home from a mission has been so hard. All of the close relationships I expected coming home aren't here. All of the best friends I had before my mission are either on missions or married or moved far away. And the one single friend I have from before has a schedule completely opposite from mine so unless we meet before 8 in the morning or after 11 at night we can't see each other. Lame, I know.

Today I realized how throughout my whole life, so many of the close friends I had would meet and then become better friends than either were with me. Almost every best friend I've ever had that has happened to. (Side note-also, every guy I've ever dated  (excluding this last one since it's only been a month) is now happily married. So obviously being friends with or dating me sets you up for better relationships in the future ha). This happened before high school, with cousins all throughout my life, through high school, and even in college. And then it happened over and over again on my mission. I would be really really good friends with a companion or a missionary I worked closely with, and then they would be companions with another of my really good friends and they would become way closer than I was with either of them. Coming home I felt that I had a safe relationship to come home to. But when I got home I realized the same thing had happened again. Two sisters I knew on my mission were best friends. And again, I felt pushed out to the outer circle of friendships. As that was the only relationship I had to count on coming home it was a really really hard realization.

Then lots of emotional things happened with my family. Lots of emotional stress. I got a job that is extremely stressful and time consuming. And I'm about to jump into an extremely difficult semester of school. My last one.

All of these factors have been adding up. And I have been miserable. I never knew being home from my mission would be so difficult. But I know that there are lessons I can learn through these things and that I will progress and hopefully become a better person.

But it's made me reflect a lot on loneliness. I thought a lot about my parents. Do they feel lonely a lot? They have been so preoccupied with being parents to their 13 children for the past 35 years that they haven't had much time for outside relationships excepting extended family. And when those go sour I'm sure it's extremely painful.
I've thought about my siblings. Do they have "best friends" that they can rely completely on? Are they someone else's number one person? Is that even a thing (besides marriage)? Essentially, is loneliness a product of our situation or is it a matter of perspective? Do I do something that inhibits me from becoming close to people or do I just perceive things the wrong way until my attitude becomes a self fulfilling prophecy? I'm not sure.

Here are some things I found really interesting. This is from an article on lds.org:

"It is helpful to consider the benefits that can be reaped from trials like loneliness. For example, [we] can develop a special empathy that allows [us] to help others who, feeling lonely, are in need of comfort and companionship. Heavenly Father needs servants trained through experience to minister to the needs of his children.

Sometimes we need to learn and do certain things to alleviate our loneliness. In such cases, it is worthwhile to seek help in improving one’s character and broadening one’s interests through study, self-discipline, increased social interaction, and a general willingness to try new things and meet new people.

Elder Richard G. Scott, now of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, commented on the role of personal initiative in overcoming feelings of loneliness and of being excluded:

“The social and sport activities [of my youth] left me feeling alone and unwanted. It was not until a lot later in life that I realized it was largely my fault.

“I have since learned that one cannot demand love and respect or require that the bonds of friendship and appreciation be extended as an unearned right. These blessings must be earned. They come from personal merit. Sincere concern for others, selfless service, and worthy example qualify one for such respect. All my rationalization that others had formed select groups and knowingly ruled out my participation was largely a figment of my imagination. Had I practiced correct principles, I need not have felt alone” (“To the Lonely and Misunderstood,” Brigham Young University 1981–82 Fireside and Devotional Speeches, Provo, Utah: University Publications, p. 199).

President Benson said: “Reach out to others. Rather than turning inward, forget self and really serve others in your Church callings, in personal deeds of compassionate service, in unknown, unheralded personal acts of kindness. “If you really want to receive joy and happiness, then serve others with all your heart. Lift their burden, and your own burden will be lighter. Truly in the words of Jesus of Nazareth: ‘He that findeth his life shall lose it: and he that loseth his life for my sake, shall find it.’ (Matt. 10:39.)” (Ensign,Nov. 1988, p. 97).

“A mere hundred years from now today’s seeming deprivations and tribulations will not matter unless we let them matter too much now!” said Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. “Some deprivations are but delayed blessings, which, if endured well, constitute the readying of reservoirs into which a generous God will pour ‘all that he hath.’ Indeed, it will be the Malachi measure: ‘There shall not be room enough to receive it.’ (Mal. 3:10.)” (We Will Prove Them Herewith, Salt Lake City: Deseret Book Co., 1982, pp. 28–29).

Loneliness can be a pivotal experience in our lives. It can be the leaven that allows us to rise to the next step in our spiritual advancement, or it can be a chain that restrains our progress. In the very act of making up our minds to confront loneliness, half the battle is won. For if we seek the Lord through service, prayer, and righteousness, we will find that we are not alone (see Rev. 3:20)."

I loved how matter of fact this article was. It was written in the early 1990's. They were a little less gentle back then and a little more too the point :) I think, especially from what Elder Richards said, loneliness is often a matter of perspective. No matter what relationships we have, even marriage, no one will ever understand us perfectly. No one will ever know us perfectly or treat us perfectly or emphasize exactly the way we want or tell us everything we need to hear. Except our Heavenly Father and our Savior, Jesus Christ. So perhaps the key to not being lonely now is to learn how to find fulfillment in my relationship with my Father in Heaven. Learn how to base my self worth on the way He feels about me, not anyone else. And learn how to have a positive attitude and look for ways to help others feel loved and wanted instead of letting myself sink down into the negative cycle of feeling that there must be something wrong with me because I'm not anyone's number one person. 

I think I know what I need to work on. 

Goodnight! 

Lessons

My whole life I have defined myself by things that I can do. I have defined myself by having 100% scripture reading. I have defined myself by never missing church. I have defined myself by being perfectly obedient, no ifs, ands, or buts. Just clear, hard and fast rules. I was known for being consistent, diligent, self-controlled.

And then I went on my mission. It started out like this-I was the obedient sister. I worked hard. I biked (almost unheard of at the beginning of my mission for a sister to really bike). I contacted everyone because I knew I was supposed to. But then I got a companion who couldn't do all those things the way I could. And I became miserable. I had defined myself and my success on my completion of tasks or perfect obedience. And suddenly that was taken away. I couldn't be perfectly obedient because we couldn't keep the schedule. It drove me crazy. 

Over time, and after having several months of this, I began to understand that strict "obedience" wasn't always the objective. Rather perfect obedience meant being obedient to the whisperings of the Spirit, not all the minute rules in the white handbook (no proselyting near other houses of worship, no setting things on the car, etc.). But I also kind of lost my identity. The things I had defined myself by for my entire life suddenly became not as amazing as I thought. I began to realize that that wasn't who I wanted to be. I didn't want to be a check box person, doing things because that was what I was supposed to do and I am obedient. Rather I wanted to do them because I loved God and I loved other people. And I began to develop that near the end of my mission. 

However, since being home I feel like that exact trial has encountered me again. The things I defined myself by at home before my mission (being a diligent, good student, being the "helper" at home, etc) suddenly weren't here anymore. School was way lower on my priority list, hence I've been a terrible student this semester. I haven't been home to help as much as I would have wanted. I've seen my selfishness very clearly lately, my superficialness, etc. And I have felt so bare. 

So what does define me? 

At the most basic level it is of course my divine identity as a child of Heavenly Parents. 

But what else? what about the type of person we are? How do I define myself outside of being a daughter of God? What can give me confidence? 

I was talking to Allegra tonight about this and she said something like this: When you think of God you don't think, God is perfect at praying, or going to the temple, or reading His scriptures. Rather you think, God is eternally merciful, He is perfectly just, He loves His children with a perfect love. And those  are the things we can take confidence in. When we begin to exemplify those character traits, when I can be known as the person who accepts everyone, no matter their life style. Or the person who makes everyone feel comfortable around her. Or the person who is Christlike. Those are things that will define me, will give me confidence to stand in the presence of God someday. 

President Uchtdorf said it perfectly:

"Once you understand the true nature of God and His commandments, you will also better understand yourselves and the divine purpose of your existence. With this, your motivation for following the commandments changes, and it becomes your heart’s desire to live the gospel joyfully.

For example, those who see attendance at Church meetings as a personal way to increase their love of God, find peace, uplift others, seek the Spirit, and renew their commitment to follow Jesus Christ will find a far richer experience than those who simply put in their time sitting in a pew. Sisters, it is very important that we attend our Sunday meetings, but I’m fairly certain our Heavenly Father is even more concerned about our faith and repentance than about attendance statistics."

President Deiter F. Uchtdorf, Living the Gospel Joyfully, October 2014

I love that. I want to be motivated by a desire to strengthen my relationship with my Father in Heaven, or to keep the commandments because it will help me be more like Him, rather than just "putting in my time" reading, or praying, or serving, or attending church. 

Isn't the Gospel incredible? Who knew that the months after coming home from my mission would be so full of growth? 

Marks

I'm used to blogging on my journal blog, so my natural instinct is to start every post with "Dear Journal." But I'll refrain on this one :)

Several years ago, when I was doing school at home and we were memorizing lots and lots of quotes and scriptures and poems, I was introduced to this quote. It has changed my life. And often, throughout my weeks, I reflect on these words:

"Nothing touches the soul but leaves its impress, 

and thus, little by little, we are fashioned into the image 

of all we have seen, heard, known, and meditated, 

And if we learn to live by all that is the fairest, and the purest, and the best, 

The love of it all will, in the end, become our very lives."

~Grenville Kleiser

I truly believe that. Whatever I see, or do, or hear, or think about leaves a mark on my soul. The choices I make, the thoughts I have, the media I use leaves an impress on me. 

In addition, I've always been impressed by the last sentence in the 13th article of faith (13 statements on what I believe as a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints).

We believe in being honest, true, chaste, benevolent, virtuous, and in doing good to all men; indeed, we may say that we follow the admonition of Paul-We believe all things, we hope all things, we have endured many things, and hope to be able to endure all things. If there is anything virtuous, lovely, or of good report or praiseworthy, we seek after these things.

We seek after things that are lovely, of good report, or praiseworthy. I love that. 

In addition, throughout my life I have always been extremely sensitive to things--books, movies, songs, etc. I have a hard time remembering that these things aren't real. Because of that, there have been many movies and books that have changed my life, have impacted me in a monumental way. But also because of that, I have had to learn to be extremely careful what I let enter my mind. Because I feel it as it impacts me, good or bad. 

So...tonight 4 of my siblings and I went to watch the 3rd Hunger Games. I hadn't seen any of them before my mission so I watched the first two in the last two weeks to get ready for the third one. All of them are pretty intense. The premise is both gruesome and fascinating. And the principles it emphasizes are awesome. It makes people think and introduces the debate over "safety" in exchange for freedom. With that being said, however, after each movie I'm left feeling a little bit sick over the violence and intensity. I know, I know, they aren't even that intense compared to a lot of movies, but they're pretty intense to me :) And each time I'm left wondering if I like the impact it is making on me. Is this impress it is leaving on my soul positive? Is it making me a better person? Is it helping me become who I want to be? I'm not sure. 

Now I am NOT saying the Hunger Games movies or books are bad. I actually like the movies a lot and might read the books. I think they portray some really important truths about freedom and government and doing what you know is right. But I just don't know if I like the impact it's making on me. Do the benefits of those things outweigh the sick feeling I get as I watch them? I guess I have a year to think about it :) 

Hello!

Dear blogging world,

It's been a while. About 21 months to be exact :) I've been home from my mission for just over 3 months. And I think I'm finally ready to blog again. I've missed it. A lot. It is a really good way to express what I'm feeling and record special events and happenings.

When I started blogging my parents were shocked at how open I was on my blog. But I was all for it. I had no qualms about saying exactly how I felt and why I felt it and what made me feel that way. But I think being on a mission made more cautious about how open I am about my feelings. I've become more careful about what I share and who I share it with.

SO because my last blog was very emotional and dramatic (and, lets be real, a little over the top sometimes haha) I'm starting this one. So if you want to read about me before my mission, click here, (keeping in mind that I've learned a lot since then ;).

Here is a little update on my life:
I'm still at BYU. I have one semester left of the nursing program which I'll start in January. So if everything goes as planned I will graduate in April 2015. Crazy.

When I got home from my mission I took a CNA class and am now working as a certified nurses assistant at a nursing home in south Provo. I take my certification test for that next Tuesday. Finally!

I'm living in Provo with Allegra and Amanda, two girls from my mission. It's awesome.

My dating life is not exciting at the moment--I'll update you when it gets that way.

I'm still obsessed with dance, good literature, and my family. I love music. But I'm still more often in the mood for Christian Rock than regular music these days :) I am learning the guitar. I'm trying to ride horses more often. And school is not nearly as high on my priority list as it was before my mission.

*Side note--I think everything in my life happens backwards in relation to everyone else... Freshman year is normally not the best year for people. However, it was probably my most studious year. I didn't miss class once and I studied all the time. People normally become better students after their missions, Not me! I'm definitely a less responsible student. Because I realized I didn't want that to be my highest priority...

I miss my mission a lot. I miss the constant opportunities to share my testimony of my Savior and of the happiness that comes from His plan for us. I miss the hours of study. I miss the complete focus on doing Heavenly Father's work. I'm going through a process now of trying to apply those things into my life now. Being home is DEFINITELY harder than my mission ever was. But as I've thought about it, it makes sense. My mission was teaching me tools to use the rest of my life. And that's why my mission was only 18 months. It was just a preparatory phase for the real challenges of life.
I'm trying to learn to love this phase of my life. I'm learning to love the feeling of always being stretched and changed and taught, even when it's painful. This is where so much of my real growth has happened. And I'm excited to see how I continue to learn and change. So I'll blog about it :)

Happy Thanksgiving everybody!

Beks